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March 25, 2023
The subsequent moments in life will carry their own significance, each with unique depth and meaning, but nothing will ever compare to that initial experience: the very first time, a moment that can never be repeated.
When she is placed in your arms, she will be astonishingly tiny, her chin trembling with a hint of doubt, as if asking, “How can you be my mother? You seem to be just as lost as I am.” And indeed, you will feel utterly unprepared.
Together, you and this first child will navigate this new reality. As a mother, you will observe her delicate features—the way her knuckles are barely formed, the soft rolls around her neck, her mottled skin, and her bald head. In an unexpected way, she will radiate beauty and fragility all at once.
She will be distressed by the noise of the room and the harsh brightness of the lights, longing for the comfort of her previous snug, dark sanctuary. Slowly, her brow will furrow, and her unseeing eyes will blink up at you, as if she has caught a glimpse of something fleeting before resigning to her new reality. “Well, I guess this is it. We’ll make the best of this.”
And then the crying will start—first from her, then from you.
In a day’s time, you will bring your daughter home, embarking on a journey of growth and discovery together, learning how to be a mother even as she understands that you don’t have all the answers.
She will achieve remarkable things while you find yourself consumed by worries—like cutting the crusts off sandwiches. Her baby teeth will give way to adult ones, and a teacher named Ms. Anderson will guide her in writing, teaching her left from right. She will show compassion by rescuing worms from the hot pavement and will love things you can’t stand, while disliking your favorites. You will drive each other crazy—long before she is old enough to drive herself.
You too will accomplish incredible feats. You will learn to require less: less sleep, less attention, less time for yourself. You will give more of yourself, mastering the ability to distinguish between “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on the recorder, even if it pains you. You will find strength in the silence of unspoken words, often opting for peace over honesty. In your haste to reach brighter days, you will pause, holding your breath as you realize how quickly 5 turns to 10, and then 10 to 15.
Mothering this first child will be a sharp learning curve, and you might feel like you’re doing it all wrong. But it will also be the most genuine experience, one that lingers in your heart, evoking a longing for those early days when she knew nothing but you, and everything felt fresh and untainted.
It will be both wonderful and overwhelming, filled with heartache and joy. At times, you will feel frustrated, yet you will also feel love in its purest form. You will watch helplessly as she finds her balance in life, feeling an ache deeper than she can comprehend.
Do not share the depth of your pain with her.
One moment, you will be counting her tiny fingers and toes, and the next, you will find her gazing off into the distance, a smile on her face. That will be the first moment you realize she is counting down the days until her first solo adventure, and suddenly it feels like time is slipping away—soon, she will leave the house for the last time, with her bedroom door wide open.
For the very first time.
If you’re ready for more insights, be sure to explore our other blog posts, including this one about home insemination. You can also check out Make A Mom for expert advice on the topic. Additionally, Resolve provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, the experience of motherhood begins with that first precious moment and evolves into a journey filled with both challenges and joys. As you navigate this path, you will witness incredible growth, not just in your child but in yourself as well.