Menu Lifestyle
What do you have to live for? If you’ve ever found yourself grappling with thoughts of suicide, the answer may be more profound than you realize.
I still remember the first time I experienced the loss of a friend to suicide. I was just 15, involved in a school play where he starred as the lead. Although I wasn’t his love interest, we shared many moments backstage, laughing, playing cards, and occasionally flirting. I was completely unaware that anything was amiss. Our performances were set for Tuesday and Thursday, but he took his own life on Wednesday.
No matter how many times I revisited those days, I couldn’t understand it. He was tall, athletic, charming, and seemingly had everything going for him—captivating the attention of girls and leading the school play. It was unfathomable that someone with such a perfect facade could be driven to despair.
It wasn’t until I faced my own suicidal thoughts that I began to grasp the complexity of such feelings. It can strike anyone, even those who appear to have it all together. Appearances can be misleading, and depression often ensnares you in a web of hopelessness, making you feel devoid of purpose.
After the birth of my second child, I spiraled into debilitating postpartum depression. With two babies under the age of two, both constantly crying and demanding my attention, I felt an overwhelming guilt for not being able to meet their needs. The relentless fatigue and hormonal changes pushed me closer to the brink of a breakdown.
The tipping point came one afternoon while I attempted to play with my 2-year-old in the basement. Frustrated with my play style (three sons later, I still haven’t mastered playing with cars), he threw himself on the floor, screaming. In a moment of desperation, he grabbed a wooden block and hurled it at his baby brother. In a flash of panic, I retaliated by throwing the block back at him, and it struck him in the head.
Horrified, I scooped him into my arms, apologizing profusely while I berated myself internally. I felt like the most terrible mother. I didn’t deserve to have children; I was convinced I was the worst mom ever. No other mother could possibly have acted as I did—this thought loop was relentless.
That night, as I lay in bed, I pondered suicide for the first time, and this contemplation lingered for almost a year. I truly believed my children would be better off without me. Yet, something—like a flicker in the back of my mind—prevented me from acting on those thoughts. Over the years, I’ve come to recognize that flicker: while I was willing to sacrifice myself for my children, I was equally willing to endure my suffering for them.
Martin Luther King, Jr. once stated, “No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for.” In my own life, I found this to ring true. I understood that while others might care for my children, no one could love them like I did. Despite my imperfections, I chose to persevere in my pain so my children would always feel cherished.
More than a decade has passed since those dark days, and I still don’t claim to be a perfect mother. I have my grouchy moments, oftentimes regret saying the wrong things. Cooking isn’t my strong suit, and my memory often fails me. My kids frequently share stories around the dinner table, laughing at my maternal mishaps. However, they know without a doubt that they are loved, and that matters.
As my boys enter their teenage years, I am witnessing the remarkable individuals they are becoming. Encouragingly, many of their admirable qualities stem from the very shortcomings I often criticize in myself. They’ve learned responsibility, knowing I might forget about their homework. They’re capable of preparing dinner for our family and can defend themselves respectfully when someone, even their mother, says something hurtful.
My children are thriving—not just in spite of my flaws but also, in part, because of them. I’m grateful to be present to see their growth. If you find yourself struggling with thoughts of suicide, remember you’re not alone and there is help available. For more information, check out resources like this one for pregnancy and home insemination, or explore options at this site for insights into your journey.
Summary
This piece explores the complex feelings surrounding motherhood and suicidal thoughts, delving into personal experiences to highlight the importance of enduring struggle for the love of one’s children. While the journey can be fraught with challenges, it is also filled with moments of growth and love that ultimately shape both the parent and the children.