“Mom, I want that Lego set!” my 4-year-old son, Jake, insists. “I have enough money for it.”
Jake has about $2, and I gently explain that it’s not enough to buy the Legos.
“But I really want them!” he pleads, and I can hear the tension in his voice: the slight tremble, the pitch rising. His eyes widen, and his jaw tightens. I brace myself; it’s about to happen. In the toy aisle at Target, I know what’s coming, and it won’t be pretty.
“I – want – those – Legos!” he wails, his cries escalating into loud sobs. “I want them!” he gasps between breaths. I tell him I’m sorry, and suggest maybe next time. I wish I could solve the issue by just buying the Legos, like many parents wish they could. But alongside my sympathy, I feel a surge of frustration. Why can’t he manage his emotions? Why is accepting “no” so hard for him compared to my other children?
Jake is what some might call a challenging child. He easily becomes overwhelmed; his emotions can skyrocket, leading to screaming and hitting. He’s headstrong; when he refuses to eat, even a heavenly being couldn’t convince him to try a peanut butter sandwich. He often throws fits when he doesn’t get what he wants, which is frequently, and he obeys direct requests about as well as a cat might.
For a time, I struggled with my feelings towards him. It’s a complicated mix of love and frustration that many parents of difficult children understand. Even though I typically embrace attachment parenting, I found myself resorting to spanking him. I learned the hard way that spanking in anger is pointless; while I was angry, I realized that it didn’t help our situation.
However, over time, we discovered what worked for us. While his stubbornness didn’t vanish, it became much more manageable, allowing me to reconnect with my son rather than constantly brace for the next outburst. If you’re navigating similar waters, know that you’re not alone, and there are strategies that can help.
Establish a Daily Plan
Let your child know what to expect throughout the day, and stick to it. This seems unrelated to the tantrums that may erupt in the toy aisle, but it offers a sense of security. Kids often feel anxious when they don’t know what’s next. For Jake, I might say, “First, we’ll go grocery shopping, then to Target. After that, we’ll have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Your friend will come over to play until 4, and then you can watch some TV.” This routine helps ground him, making it more likely he’ll eat that sandwich.
Embrace the Tantrum
Understand that your child will have tantrums—sometimes in public. People may judge your parenting style, and that’s okay. Sometimes you’ll need to leave; other times, you’ll stay.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
“Do you want to be upset by yourself or with me?” Jake typically responds, “With you!” I then hold him close while he cries, and he tends to calm down more quickly because he feels supported. If he’s too far gone to respond or prefers solitude, I might say, “I’ll check in again when you’re feeling calmer.” Trust your instincts; some kids need immediate comfort, while others can ride out the storm.
Use the Power of Touch
Never underestimate the impact of physical contact. If your child tends to ignore you, try touching their arm while making a request. This small gesture can help them feel more connected and attentive.
Offer Choices
If you anticipate that shoes will be a sticking point, ask whether they’d like to wear the red or the green pair. Present options, like whether to visit the toy aisle first or last. This strategy can help you avoid potential triggers and prevent meltdowns.
Make Cleaning Matter
If you’re like me, asking your child to clean up often leads to tantrums or avoidance. Try to frame it differently: “If you can’t clean your toys, I can’t keep them.” This might provoke an outcry, but let it unfold. Reiterate your point, and consider removing a toy that’s left out. This method sounds harsh, but it’s effective. Breaking cleaning tasks into smaller parts—like “pick up the blocks” instead of “clean your room”—can also help.
Children who are challenging and stubborn may test your patience, but they can also be incredibly sweet and loving. You might feel isolated in your struggles—facing tantrums, defiance, and emotional outbursts. Remember, you’re not alone. Caring for a challenging child demands a lot from you, so prioritize self-care. Take breaks when needed, and engage in activities together that you both enjoy. Jake and I often bond by cuddling up on the couch to watch Star Wars or Animaniacs. Stay connected, and remember that while this phase can be tough, it’s just that—a phase that will pass.
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Summary
Parenting a challenging child can be exhausting, but employing strategies like establishing routines, embracing tantrums, and providing choices can help. Remember to take care of yourself and maintain connections through shared activities.