The other day, my 9-year-old son, Ethan, had a playdate with two of his friends after school. This meant that our living room turned into a chaotic playground filled with video games, snacks, and all sorts of boyish antics. After the fun ended and the boys left, I stepped into the room and nearly had a meltdown. The odor of stale chips and unwashed socks hit me like a ton of bricks. Couch cushions were askew, pillows scattered across the floor, a cup had tipped over on the coffee table, and snack wrappers were everywhere.
“Ethan,” I called out, “you can’t leave the living room like this!”
“Uh, I’m tiiiiired,” he replied, flashing that charming smile that usually melts my heart.
I understood that he was indeed tired. School days can be long, and playdates offer him joy and social connection. While I appreciate that their raucous fun is part of growing up, I also realized I had been making too many excuses for him. At 9 years old, it was high time for him to step up and take accountability for the messes he and his friends created.
Ethan does have chores, and he usually takes care of them. However, I often find myself reminding him repeatedly to put his clothes in the laundry or clear the table, leading to some less-than-pleasant exchanges. Many times, I just end up doing it myself because it’s quicker and easier, but I know that this isn’t the right approach.
I’ve started to wonder if I would handle this differently if I had daughters. Am I subconsciously giving my boys an easier time because of societal norms that suggest boys aren’t expected to help out at home? I don’t believe that at all, yet I can’t help but question if I’m treating my sons differently than I would a daughter.
But that’s it—I’m done. No more making excuses for my boys. Yes, picking up after them may be faster, especially when we’re rushing out the door, but I need to be consistent. This isn’t just about the present; it’s about shaping them into responsible, supportive men who help their partners without being asked. I’m grateful to have a husband who embodies these values, and I want to ensure my boys grow up with the same mindset.
Most importantly, if I continue in the role of their caretaker, they will view motherhood and, by extension, women in general, through a lens of servitude. I want them to see me as a strong individual who asserts herself. They need to recognize that women are not only nurturers but also powerful people who command respect.
Luckily, Ethan didn’t take much convincing to clean up the living room. Instead of threatening him with consequences, I told him straightforwardly that this was about him becoming a good man who doesn’t shirk household responsibilities. With a playful nudge, I encouraged him to step up. To my surprise, he complied without resistance. When I later found a forgotten snack bag behind the couch, I made him retrieve it instead of tossing it myself.
In the end, I celebrated his efforts with hugs and praise. I’m committed to making sure my boys take responsibility around the house. It’s essential not only to raise kind and intelligent boys but also those who actively contribute to their living spaces without prompting. We owe it to ourselves, our sons, and their future partners—and certainly to our continuously messy homes.
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In summary, I’ve made the conscious decision to stop enabling my sons and instead encourage them to take responsibility for their actions. This not only helps them grow but also fosters respect for women and future partners.