In 2014, I learned that I was expecting triplets. My partner and I were both overwhelmed with joy after years of struggling with infertility. However, the comments began almost immediately. When people found out, the typical reactions followed: “Triplets?! What will you do with three at once? Lucky it’s not me!” After perfecting my comeback (and a glare reserved for the most inappropriate remarks), I thought I’d seen it all. However, nothing could prepare me for the insensitive comments that would come following the loss of two of my triplets.
On June 25, 2014, I gave birth to my triplets at just 24 weeks. Tragically, my daughter, Lily, passed away that same day, and my son, Ethan, didn’t make it past two months. Until that moment, I was blissfully unaware of the depths of child loss. Like many, I wouldn’t know how to respond if a friend faced such a tragedy. Two years later, I’ve learned that some phrases are better left unspoken. While I know these comments often come from a place of care, they can be incredibly painful. Here are five things that grieving parents wish to avoid hearing:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase can be particularly hard for those of us who have lost a child. The reality is that sometimes life events are inexplicable. No parent should have to outlive their child. I often reflect on my conversation with my childhood mentor the night before my son passed away. I asked her, “Why me?” She wisely responded, “Life isn’t about what we can handle; it’s about how we learn to cope with what we face.” - “They are in a better place.”
While this is meant to offer comfort, it often feels dismissive. As a parent who longed for children for so long, I wanted nothing more than to have my children in my arms. I believe I speak for many grieving mothers and fathers when I say we would trade anything to hold our little ones again. - “At least you have one child left. Count your blessings.”
This comment implies that the loss of two children is somehow mitigated by having one surviving child. While I do appreciate the joy that my living child brings, it doesn’t replace the heartache of losing Ethan and Lily. On days filled with grief, counting blessings can feel especially challenging. Yes, I am grateful for my miracle child, but she should be running around with her siblings, not just waving at their photos. - “You’re still young; you can always have more children.”
The journey to parenthood varies widely. For many, including myself, the experience can be fraught with challenges like infertility or loss. The thought of trying again can be overwhelming and frightening, especially after facing such a traumatic experience. Surviving the delivery of my triplets was harrowing enough to leave lasting scars. - “I can’t imagine how you manage. Losing two children is unimaginable.”
Some days, I don’t understand how I keep going either. Yet, we adapt and find a “new normal.” This comment serves as a painful reminder of our loss.
So, what’s a better way to support a grieving parent? While no words can truly heal the pain, simply being there for them makes a world of difference. For me, the most comforting gesture is when someone mentions my angels, Lily and Ethan, by name. It may seem small, but hearing their names spoken brings warmth to my heart and helps keep their memory alive.
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In summary, being mindful of the words we use can make a significant impact on grieving parents. Instead of trying to offer platitudes, simply showing support and remembering their children can bring comfort and connection during an incredibly painful time.