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Living Boldly Amidst Uncertainty
I just left my four children at summer camp, and as I walked out of the auditorium, a chilling thought struck me: What if someone burst in with a semi-automatic weapon? In a flash, I envisioned my youngest, crying for me in her last moments. I felt an overwhelming wave of guilt for sending my oldest, who had hesitated that morning. My mind raced with questions: Did she sense danger? Why didn’t I heed her words?
In the parking lot, tears streamed down my face, contrasting sharply with the bright colors of the camp’s flags. It felt unbearable. I envied my children, blissfully unaware of the real world beyond their last family vacation. They inhabit a realm where stories have clear endings—bad guys are apprehended, heroes prevail, and children aren’t harmed in schools. Yet, I know their innocent bubble will eventually burst; the harsh reality is that terrible things occur, and our sense of control is merely an illusion.
Despite this, I refuse to live in constant fear. Should I always evaluate whether a location is safe from violence? Should we sit at the back of the restaurant to make a quick escape? Maybe we should just order in tonight; my anxiety suggests that staying home might be the safer option.
After the tragedy in Colorado, I attempted to enjoy a movie, but I was hyper-alert the entire time, anticipating a threat. I can’t even recall what film we watched or what we had for dinner, despite my love for food. My mind was consumed by worry and dread. Terror—this is precisely what those who commit such acts seek to instill in us. I wasn’t in Orlando during the nightclub shooting, but the relentless news cycle ensures that I am continuously reminded of that tragedy. Each time I log onto Facebook, I brace myself for distressing videos and stories that shatter my heart.
I often think of that famous quote from Mr. Rogers about looking for the helpers. Truthfully, it terrifies me. To seek out the helpers means we must avert our gaze from the villains. Mr. Rogers believes we can’t focus on both simultaneously. But right now, I’m not ready to shift my attention, Fred. I am still overwhelmed with fear and anger. I am grieving.
While I can’t change the events in Orlando, Rwanda, or North Korea, I face a pivotal choice: Will I allow despair to take the lead, or will I actively seek out the helpers? Will I remain paralyzed by horror, or will I embrace life’s little joys, like going to Target, watching movies, or attending concerts? Will I live fully? Will I encourage my children to wave at the dog in the car next to us, or will I hesitate, worrying about the unknown? Will I set up our tent in the backyard for a night under the stars, or will I cancel out of fear of the dark? No. I refuse to miss out on the beauty of the stars by focusing on the shadows around them.
The next day, perhaps we’ll go to a movie despite my lingering unease. I’ll take my kids to the theater, nudging my shy eleven-year-old to purchase our tickets. As I applaud her bravery, we’ll step into the theater, even with my mind racing with reasons to stay home. Together, we’ll embark on the cherished tradition of finding the perfect seats, counting rows and chairs to secure the ideal spot in the middle. Sure, it could be a prime target for a shooter, but more importantly, it’s the best place for an unforgettable movie-watching experience.
We’ll settle into our seats, focusing on the joy of being together, and I’ll breathe a shaky sigh of contentment as I pass the popcorn, grateful we arrived early enough to claim our favorite spots. After all, everyone knows the best seats are in the center.
This article was originally published on June 20, 2016.
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In summary, while fear and uncertainty can be overwhelming, it’s vital to prioritize living fully and intentionally, allowing joy to shine through amidst the shadows.