When my younger son was a toddler, his favorite phrase was “Me-Me-Me.” Whenever my husband or I attempted to help him with his shoes, his oatmeal, or getting into his car seat, he would push us away, exclaiming, “Me-Me-Me!” Essentially, this was his way of saying, “I can do it myself!”
While his desire for independence was both understandable and charming, it could also be incredibly frustrating. He would cry, throw tantrums, and sulk, all to avoid accepting a bit of assistance. In the world of toddlers, independence reigns supreme.
But it isn’t just toddlers who cling to this notion; many adults also see independence as a virtue. We pride ourselves on being self-starters and achieving success through sheer willpower. Independence and autonomy are integral to the American Dream—values we hold dear.
Yet, this emphasis on independence can be detrimental. A few weeks ago, I chatted with a friend who was overwhelmed with parenting chaos. I offered to lend a hand and suggested she reach out for help. She replied, “I know, but I feel like I should be able to manage this on my own.” What she was expressing was a version of “Me-Me-Me,” all while running herself ragged.
I can relate to that feeling; I often find myself in similar situations. As a fiercely independent woman, I hesitate to ask for help and feel the pressure to handle everything myself. However, what I—and many parents—often forget is that independence doesn’t mean we have to face everything alone. Self-sufficiency and support can coexist.
Parenting wasn’t designed to prioritize independence at the expense of community. We’re not meant to struggle in silence, especially on those days when it feels like everything is going wrong. There’s a reason the saying “it takes a village” is so widely recognized; it truly does take a community to raise a child and support one another.
In the past, parents shared the responsibility of raising children. They leaned on each other for support, whether it was asking a neighbor for a favor during a tough day or simply enjoying a moment of camaraderie over a drink. If you found yourself in a bind, you could call up your friend Lisa and say, “Hey, I’m having a rough day! Can you watch my kids for a bit?” And Lisa would likely respond with, “Of course! Just bring over some snacks when you come.”
There was no judgment, no shaming, and certainly no gossip about being a struggling parent. Instead, parents looked out for each other, creating a network of support that made the challenges of parenting a bit more manageable.
Yet, somewhere along the way, the belief that parenting must be done independently became ingrained. Parents, whether single or in partnerships, are often expected to manage everything on their own, keeping their struggles quiet. This mindset is mirrored in our public policies—America is one of the few developed countries that doesn’t offer paid parental leave or subsidized child care. It also manifests in the way we often look down on struggling families or feel uneasy about asking for help.
The truth is, parenting is hard work. Our insistence on self-reliance can lead to burnout and unhappiness. There’s no award for “most independent parent,” and there’s definitely no trophy for enduring every challenge alone. So why not shift our approach to parenting and embrace a style where we support one another instead?
Eventually, my son outgrew his “Me-Me-Me” phase. He learned that while he could accomplish many tasks independently, accepting help made life easier and more enjoyable for everyone. If only we parents could embrace that lesson too.
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Summary
The article discusses the challenges of independence in parenting, emphasizing the importance of community support. It highlights how the pressure to manage everything alone can lead to stress and unhappiness. By sharing experiences and helping one another, parents can foster a healthier and happier environment for themselves and their children.