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Our 7-Year-Old Watched Porn, and We’re to Blame
One of my most memorable moments from childhood was riding in the car with my mother, listening to a country music station. I turned to her and said, “Mom, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” I was quoting a song by Alabama, but my mother was too shocked to catch on.
I was just 13, and she faced the unsettling truth that I might not fully grasp the meaning behind my words or the nature of our mother-son relationship. The real issue was that she assumed I, a boy navigating puberty, had a basic understanding of sexual communication. I didn’t, at all. I hadn’t even realized that my comment had a sexual undertone.
That moment led to an awkward but necessary conversation about how to communicate respectfully with women and the importance of not objectifying them. My mother was firm in her beliefs, stressing that it was wrong to reduce a woman to her physical attributes or to exchange compliments for affection. This was my first genuine conversation about sex.
In school, I only learned about the biological aspects of sex – diseases and pregnancy. My fifth-grade teacher vaguely mentioned that the “love tunnel” on the playground was not an appropriate spot for kids to hide with their crushes, but I was too innocent to understand the implication. At home, my mother guided me through a couple of illustrated books, like “What’s Happening to Me?” and “Where Do Babies Come From?”
Fast forward to when I was 16, a freshman in high school. While many of my friends were already sexually active, I was on the verge of joining in until our sex education teacher shared a graphic story about one of his wrestlers contracting gonorrhea. That was a hard pass for me.
Now, I’m 32 and expecting my third child. My partner’s oldest child, Mia, is 7 years old and incredibly curious about how her baby brother got into her mother’s belly. How do you explain reproduction to a child? We opted for a euphemistic approach, telling her that I planted a magic seed in her mother, which would grow into her baby brother. Seemed innocent enough, right?
However, a few weeks later, while going through Mia’s internet history on the iPad, we were horrified to discover that she had been watching pornography. Most of the videos were disturbing and twisted depictions of sex. She was only 7. Why was she looking at such things?
The shock took us several days and many tears before we felt ready to talk to Mia about it. When we finally did, her response was even more heartbreaking: she wasn’t interested in sex; she simply wanted to understand how her new brother was made.
Since we hadn’t provided a direct answer, she took it upon herself to search for information online about where babies come from. This led her to watch pornography, which only added to her confusion rather than clarifying anything about reproduction.
We had failed, as many parents do, by being vague when our child asked sincere questions. Why did we do that? We were already using accurate terms like “vagina” and “penis.” It’s not that we were against being clear with our kids; somewhere along the way, we just assumed they were too young to grasp these concepts. A quick online search for “sex euphemisms for kids” yields over 341,000 results, showing how common this avoidance is.
We talk about the birds and the bees, a woman’s flower, and planting seeds. We call it wrestling or pretend to take a nap. The phrases we use often strip away the reality of sex. So, when our 7-year-old asked legitimate questions, we fell back on euphemisms.
However, discussing sex is still a challenge, and young children may not fully comprehend the implications of it. So, how do we initiate these conversations? The most crucial step is to understand the context behind their questions. Most 7-year-olds are not thinking about puberty or sex with classmates; they’re usually trying to make sense of reproduction in a straightforward way or clarify something they heard at school.
With younger kids, clarity is essential. That’s what they seek, and as we learned the hard way, they will find answers eventually. Luckily, my partner, Mallerie, approached Mia about the videos with care and compassion, quickly identifying Mia’s confusion as the reason for her online activity.
They talked for a long time. Mallerie ensured Mia didn’t feel ashamed or wrong for trying to seek answers on her own. She patiently answered Mia’s questions honestly. While the conversation was about how Mia’s baby brother was conceived, Mallerie’s true goal was to create a safe space for future inquiries—about sex and anything else that might puzzle Mia.
Does Mia understand everything about sex now? Certainly not. We didn’t dive into discussions on first experiences or peer pressure. Those are conversations for another time when we’ll be better equipped to handle them, especially as our other children become curious about their origins.
How will we address the next stage of sexual education? Mallerie and I complement each other perfectly. She became a mother at 15, while I remained a virgin until I was 24. Our diverse experiences with sex enable us to be honest with our kids while offering them different perspectives on navigating their feelings. Between us, we have a story for nearly every situation our little ones may encounter.
The takeaway is this: if you discover your child watching pornography or flipping through an adult magazine, don’t panic. Take a moment to assess the situation and ask your child about their motivations for seeking out those images or videos. Chances are, they are simply looking for answers. Even if they are at an age where nudity excites them, you can open a dialogue about the unrealistic portrayals of sex and the importance of respecting partners. Either way, maintaining open lines of communication is vital.
In conclusion, initiating conversations about reproduction and sex with your children can be challenging but is necessary to foster understanding and trust. By being open and honest, you can help them navigate their curiosity in a healthy way.