Childbirth terrifies me.
It might sound trivial to some, but the dread I feel is anything but ordinary. While many women experience a level of anxiety about bringing new life into the world—fears of pain, complications, and potential surgeries—my fear is paralyzing. It keeps me awake at night, triggers panic attacks, and sometimes even leads to physical reactions like vomiting and shaking. This overwhelming anxiety is rooted in the trauma from my previous birth experience, which has left lasting scars on both me and my child.
My first delivery was relatively standard. Yes, I ended up needing a C-section because my baby was too large to pass through my pelvis, but the process was smooth. Guided by a skilled and reassuring doctor, I felt confident. From admission to recovery, everything went according to plan. My baby was healthy, and I was recovering well—our little family was thriving.
However, the arrival of my second child was a stark contrast. After relocating to a new state, I had to find a different medical practice. From the get-go, something felt off. My repeated concerns—excruciating pelvic pain, unusual cramping, and elevated blood pressure—were dismissed by the medical staff as “normal.” They even administered medication to halt my labor without first checking on my baby’s well-being with an ultrasound.
The tipping point came during a scheduled visit the day before I unexpectedly went into labor. My agony, which had escalated from mild discomfort to unbearable pain, was brushed off by the doctor. I was told to go home, hydrate, and rest as if that would magically resolve everything.
When the labor pains intensified, I hesitated to contact the doctor or head to the hospital, as my previous concerns had been minimized. Ultimately, my husband and mother insisted, and we went to the hospital, where what unfolded would forever change my view on childbirth.
The resident in charge of my care suggested that my mindset was the primary factor affecting my delivery. To make matters worse, the doctor on call was the same one who had dismissed my concerns the day before. I remember looking at my mother, tears in my eyes, and saying, “I don’t trust her.” My mother could only respond with a look of helplessness, telling me I had no choice. Thus began an agonizing surgical experience I could never have anticipated.
Promises of pain relief were broken time and again; I was given a spinal block that failed to take effect. My blood pressure plummeted dangerously low, and I struggled to breathe due to the pressure being applied to my abdomen. When they finally delivered my baby using a vacuum, he was lifeless and blue. We later discovered that he had suffered a stroke either shortly before or during delivery. Despite my cries for help regarding unbearable pain, my pleas were ignored, and I was left to endure my agony, while my baby fought for his life in the NICU.
The emotional and physical trauma from that experience still haunts me, especially as I now face the possibility of another pregnancy. The wounds are deep, and my fears of being overlooked, dying during surgery, or my baby suffering at the hands of unqualified medical professionals loom large.
Yet, I know I am not alone. Many women share similar fears, even if our stories differ in outcome. While most deliveries are smooth—like my third son’s, which I approached with trepidation but ended up being complication-free—this reality does not diminish the authenticity of our fears.
To those experiencing similar anxieties, I urge you to listen to your intuition. Trust in your instincts, confide in loved ones, and seek the support of a mental health professional if needed. Finding a healthcare team that makes you feel secure is essential. Remember, while the chances of your worst fears materializing are slim, your feelings are valid and deserve attention.
Most importantly, never forget: you matter. Your feelings matter. And so does your baby.
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Summary:
Childbirth can evoke intense fear, especially for those with past traumatic experiences. The journey through my second delivery, marked by medical negligence and emotional turmoil, has left me grappling with anxiety for future pregnancies. However, acknowledging these feelings and seeking support can help others navigate similar fears.