Let’s dive into a topic that often gets overlooked: the children who are considered “difficult.” You know the type—the ones labeled as misbehaved, overly demanding, or poorly disciplined. They’re not the kids who effortlessly share smiles or hug new acquaintances; instead, they’re the ones who resist new experiences, refuse to try the latest pizza brand, and are quick to express their frustrations. They have big worries, experience bad dreams, and their feelings can escalate into tears or anger at the drop of a hat.
Intense is truly the best way to describe these kids.
As a parent of two, I can relate to this struggle. I have one child who fits this description perfectly. Many people tend to say, “Oh, all kids are challenging!” While there’s some truth to that, only those with a strong-willed child can truly grasp the depth of this experience.
Parents like me often face the disappointment of seeing our child’s behavior fall short of others’ expectations:
- “Why didn’t he give me a high five right away?”
- “Why is she only eating crackers today?”
- “There’s something off about that kid.”
- “Why did he yell when I won?”
- “Why doesn’t she want to play with the dollhouse?”
- “He just needs a good smack on the butt.”
I have heard comments like these about my spirited child—sometimes directly to me and other times in hushed tones. It can be isolating and exhausting.
Trust me, I understand the intensity of these kids. It’s not just an occasional tantrum or fussiness when hungry; it’s a consistent emotional intensity that often starts before they even enter the world. I still remember the ultrasound technician chuckling at my lively baby during my pregnancy!
Children like mine can be demanding, hard to satisfy, and anxious. But beneath that tough exterior lies a sweet heart. They haven’t been spoiled or neglected; they simply express their emotions more vividly.
I don’t believe that I did anything to make my son more challenging than other kids, although I’m sure I’ve made my share of parenting mistakes. On better days, I affectionately call him my “grumpy little philosopher,” and I find him quite amusing. Anyone willing to sit down and engage with him will discover a remarkable little person—sharp, affectionate, and full of humor.
For those who don’t have an intense child, I encourage you to take a moment to appreciate the uniqueness of kids like mine. Please resist jumping to conclusions or judging them (or their parents). Remember that their protective behavior isn’t personal; it’s a defense mechanism they’ve developed.
You might be pleasantly surprised by what you find beneath that tough shell. And know that your kindness and patience will be appreciated by both the child and the parent.
This piece was originally published on September 2, 2016.
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In summary, let’s embrace the emotional intensity of our children with compassion and understanding. These kids may not always fit the mold, but they certainly have a lot to offer when given the chance.