While chatting with a friend, she inquired about when I planned to discuss sexual education with my kids. At the time, my children were 4, 5, and 7, and to her surprise, I revealed that I had already broached the subject with all of them. “Wow! I thought I’d wait until it was absolutely necessary, at least until middle school,” she said, an expression of disbelief on her face.
Although that approach sounded appealing, I quickly realized I had already missed the critical window with my first two children. They both learned about sex from other kids shortly after starting kindergarten, catching me completely off guard. I honestly don’t remember having any discussions about such topics when I was their age.
A few weeks into kindergarten, my eldest came home and asked if sex meant rubbing private parts together. I immediately decided to clarify things with him, assuming it was just a misunderstanding. I thought maybe there was a “bad” influence in his class. But when my daughter mentioned that her friends, Alex and Lily, “did sex on the bus,” I understood that kids as young as 5 were discussing this among themselves.
After speaking with their teachers—who were unsurprised—I had to face the reality that my children would encounter various topics much earlier than I had anticipated. Welcome to parenthood, where readiness is a constant question.
I made sure to address the issue promptly. I explained the basics of sex in a way I felt they could grasp. While there are numerous books available that tackle these conversations, I didn’t have any handy, nor did I have a solid plan in place. Like my friend, I thought I had years before having to confront this topic.
The discussions I had with my kids were surprisingly straightforward. They were brief, and the expressions on their faces when I explained what sex actually was ranged from confusion to disgust. They didn’t have many follow-up questions at that moment, but they have since brought it up several times, which reassures me that they feel comfortable approaching me.
I emphasized that such topics shouldn’t be discussed at school and that they should always ask an adult—preferably me or their father—if they had questions. I admit I was nervous about them still talking about it; nobody wants to be the parent of the kid leading sexual education discussions on the playground.
Before my youngest started kindergarten, I took the initiative to have brief conversations with him about his body and sex. I was direct, avoided using euphemisms for body parts, and didn’t shy away from his innocent questions. I didn’t overwhelm him with information all at once, listening for cues that he was ready to move on. I wanted to ensure my voice was the first he heard on the subject.
Research indicated that kids around age 4 often start to show interest in sexuality, and many have no understanding that discussing it can be taboo. It’s crucial to teach them that while conversation is important, there’s a time and place for it.
I frequently remind my kids that they shouldn’t share their knowledge about sex with others at school—it’s an adult responsibility. They understand that if someone has touched them inappropriately, they need to report it to an adult right away. This knowledge has empowered them to articulate what is acceptable behavior and how to seek help.
Now that my children are older (13, 11, and almost 10), discussing more complex questions about sex has become considerably easier. Given the wealth of information available online, I must maintain a strong voice as the conversations grow more intricate.
I feel confident that my kids will approach me with questions because I’ve fostered an open dialogue. While I can’t guarantee they will, I believe I’ve done my part to keep the lines of communication clear. I stand by my choice to have these discussions at a young age; I never want them to feel shame around such a vital topic. This openness has also facilitated conversations about other serious issues such as substance use, relationships, abuse, and consent.
This approach might not suit every family, but it has worked well for us. I chose to speak to each child individually to reduce any awkwardness associated with the topic. Each of our discussions has been unique, and I recognize that different families may have varying methods, as each child absorbs information differently. Ultimately, you must follow what feels right for you as a parent. For me, discussing sex early on has provided peace of mind, which is invaluable in today’s world.
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Summary
Having early conversations about sex with children can foster a healthy understanding of their bodies and relationships, empowering them to communicate openly about sensitive topics as they grow. Each family may approach these discussions differently, but starting early can help create a trusting environment.