I was visiting a colleague’s home, a guy named Tom, with whom I had shared work experiences for a couple of years. He was significantly older than me, having a teenage son while my eldest was still just 9. Much of our conversations had revolved around the challenges of parenting, particularly the quirks of our sons. We often vented about their laziness and obsession with video games, with Tom giving me tips on how to engage my son in a way he wished he had when his boy was younger.
At a gathering with several coworkers in Tom’s backyard, I noticed his son, a lanky 15-year-old with dark hair and glasses. He was making an effort to help tidy up after our group, even throwing in awkward jokes to connect with the adults. For the most part, he came across as polite and well-mannered. I was genuinely impressed by how he took the time to entertain my son with games and introduced my daughter to their pet dog, all while keeping my toddler out of their garden.
After observing him for a while, I leaned over to Tom and remarked, “Your son is not nearly as troublesome as you’ve led me to believe.” He seemed surprised but pleased, responding with a proud grin, “Yeah, you’re right. He’s a good kid.” It was as if he needed an outsider to recognize his son’s good behavior for him to appreciate it fully.
As we discussed the positive aspects of his son, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own kids and the good things they might be doing that I often overlook. I mean, don’t get me wrong; venting about parenting is completely normal. I find it cathartic to share my struggles about sleepless nights, budget woes, and the endless cycle of bath time and tissues. But I realized I could be overly critical, especially of my oldest son, Leo.
I often complained about how hard it was to wake him up in the mornings or get him to eat anything beyond mac and cheese. I would practically have to pull him away from his iPad to engage in anything else. Yet, when I took a moment to reflect, I could see that, overall, he was a pretty great kid. He doesn’t use foul language, he gets his homework done (albeit reluctantly), and he enjoys reading and soccer. He’s respectful, performs well in school, and plays with good friends. The issues I faced with Leo were mostly about motivation and typical developmental hurdles—not outright misbehavior.
The challenge of parenting lies in the fact that I often feel responsible for shaping him into the best version of himself. I want him to grow into a successful, kind adult, and in my pursuit of that, I sometimes become excessively critical of his every action. In reality, he’s a good kid, and I should be more proud of him.
As the gathering began to wind down, I noticed Tom’s son cleaning up after my kids. Leo, however, was lounging on the couch, looking as if he hoped I wouldn’t ask him to help. I turned to Tom’s son and said, “I told Tom that you’re not as problematic as he claims. He agrees, but don’t let it go to your head.” He chuckled, a bit embarrassed, before I turned to Leo and said, “Hey, are you going to pitch in?”
With a dramatic roll of his eyes, Leo slid off the couch and began helping. As he gathered toys, I told him, “You know, Leo, you’re a pretty good kid too. I really should acknowledge that more.” His face lit up with a smile, and we exchanged high fives.
In that moment, I realized the importance of offering simple praise more often. It doesn’t take much—just a little encouragement can go a long way. Most parents probably need to do the same, recognizing the good in their children rather than focusing solely on their flaws.
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In summary, it’s easy to overlook the positive traits in our children amidst the challenges of parenting. Taking a moment to appreciate their good behavior and accomplishments can foster a more positive relationship and encourage them to thrive.