For the first 32 years of my life, I thrived as an ambitious overachiever. I was determined to excel academically, maintain an impeccable driving record, and conquer every level of Candy Crush. As my daughter’s arrival approached, I dreamt of nurturing a prodigious child who would master her colors before turning one and dive into chapter books by age four—okay, maybe five. A little grace wouldn’t hurt.
During her first year, I eagerly marked off milestones, celebrating her early accomplishments. She had a complete set of baby teeth by 17 months, which surely indicated she was on the path to greatness. Rolling over, sitting up, trying solid foods, walking—I was already contemplating flights to Stockholm for her future Nobel Prize!
Just weeks before her first birthday, we spent time with a friend’s son, slightly older and already navigating the alphabet. My competitive side kicked in! If he could do it, so could my daughter! But as we hit 15 months, it became clear she hadn’t uttered a single word.
At 18 months, while her peers showcased vocabularies filled with animal names, family members, and TV characters, my daughter could only attempt “Momma,” which came out as “Mamamamama.” Why was she silent? By now, she should be reading! The medical professionals reassured me, saying, “She’s just a late bloomer. Many kids don’t talk until they’re 2,” and “Just give her more time.” But I didn’t want to wait—I envisioned a stunning performance at her second birthday where she would recite the Pledge of Allegiance in front of our friends.
After she turned 2, we delved deeper into the issue. Terms like “autism” and “deafness” were thrown around. We consulted various specialists, from audiologists to developmental therapists, until we finally received a diagnosis that resonated: apraxia. I had to come to terms with the fact that my daughter wouldn’t be the star of her Sunday school class, reciting the alphabet backward. In reality, she wouldn’t say any coherent words until after her third birthday. It took her a full six months of speech therapy just to grasp the letter “B.”
Apraxia tested my inner overachiever. All my dreams for her seemed to hit a wall. How could I teach her 200 sight words before kindergarten if I couldn’t decipher her speech? How could I figure out if she could count to 100 when she only communicated with vowels? What about that hypothetical valedictorian speech?
Now, eight months post-diagnosis, this spirited girl has shown me the beauty of her own journey. I’ve realized that any accolades I anticipated might not materialize. With apraxia, we don’t have a clear milestone roadmap. It’s a vast unknown, and as someone who thrives on structure, this uncertainty is unsettling. I crave measurable goals and someone to tell me when she might catch up with her peers, even though deep down, I understand that might never happen.
While progress is crucial, I recognize that her true victory isn’t the day she finally speaks a word with a consonant. In my eyes, she’s already an overachiever. Every day, she faces the challenge of a disability that complicates one of the most fundamental human functions: communication. Rather than feeling ashamed, she embraces her reality. She understands her situation but doesn’t let it hold her back. She’s a social butterfly, loves to sing, adores books, and makes friends wherever she goes.
My daughter’s diagnosis has taught me to slow down and savor life as it unfolds. I’ve learned to let go of my preconceived notions of who she should be and embrace who she truly is. I refuse to waste precious time wishing for a childhood I envisioned for her. Instead, I want to journey alongside her, at her pace, on her timeline.
The path with apraxia can be long and winding, but who knows? There may still be a valedictorian speech waiting for her at the end of it.
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Summary
This heartfelt narrative explores the evolution of a mother’s expectations as she learns to navigate her daughter’s diagnosis of apraxia. Initially driven by her own ambitions, the mother discovers the importance of embracing her daughter’s unique journey while letting go of rigid timelines and societal pressures.