My partner and I frequently find ourselves butting heads over various topics, one of which is our taste in movies (I firmly believe that Moulin Rouge! is overrated). However, our most pressing debate revolves around our parenting styles.
She often points out that I raise my voice far too much. I recognize this isn’t just a disagreement—she’s absolutely right. Lately, my yelling has become more frequent and intense.
Our oldest child just celebrated his 6th birthday, and he’s transformed from the sweet, well-behaved toddler he used to be into a real handful. Of course, that’s compounded by our active baby who’s experiencing the joys of teething, struggling with sleep issues typical of 9-month-olds, and exploring every corner of our home. Navigating the needs of both boys can be overwhelming, and I often find myself on edge, stressed, and lacking patience.
Instead of embodying the calm, collected father I aspire to be, I often find myself yelling—quickly, frequently, and sometimes without much reason. I operate at a low simmer, and it affects the entire atmosphere of our home. Each time my son pushes back, throws a tantrum, or simply refuses to follow directions, I shoot from mild irritation to full-blown frustration. (In reality, it’s more like from 30 to 60 because of that simmering tension.)
I fully acknowledge that my tendency to raise my voice is a flaw. I need to improve. I must remind myself that my 6-year-old is still learning to manage his emotions. It’s my role as the adult to model the behavior I wish to see in him. After all, kids learn by example, and I can see my reactive nature mirrored in his behavior. Thus, I have a dual responsibility: to manage my own emotional responses and to help him navigate his feelings. Parenting, right?
My partner, Sarah, has her own way of dealing with stress, though I’m not convinced she has it all figured out either. She may not react as explosively as I do, but her approach has its own challenges. While I go from 30 to 60 in a heartbeat, she often remains composed longer. Yet, when she finally reaches her breaking point, it’s like an eruption—think Yellowstone.
I realize that constantly being on the verge of losing my temper is detrimental to my mental health and my relationships with my children. Sarah, on the other hand, remains calm for the most part, only to unleash her frustrations when things become too much to bear. Her outbursts are rare, which can make them even more impactful.
Even though I express my stress more frequently, it doesn’t necessarily mean I handle it better. The reality is that my stress levels tend to be more consistent, while Sarah seems perfectly fine until she suddenly reaches her limit. I often walk around on high alert, making my children wary of my presence, while she is generally patient and only raises her voice when absolutely necessary. However, when she does, it’s a powerful moment that catches everyone off guard.
Perhaps it’s time for me to experiment with her method of holding everything in until it bursts.
This article was originally published on November 18, 2016.
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Summary:
Navigating parenting can be challenging, especially when emotions run high. While one parent may express frustration openly, the other might bottle it up until it reaches a breaking point. Recognizing the impact of our reactions on our children is crucial for fostering a positive home environment.