What I Would Have Said to My Younger Self After Experiencing Abuse

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Dear little one,

If only I could wrap you in a warm embrace. Your life feels like it’s been turned upside down, and I know you are bewildered by what has just happened. You have been violated in ways that no child should ever experience. The confusion and fear you feel are overwhelming, and it breaks my heart to see you carrying this burden alone.

I remember the day it happened — you came home looking lost and scared, and it pains me deeply that you felt you couldn’t turn to your parents for help. No child should ever have to navigate something so horrific by themselves. I often reflect on how our mother failed to recognize the signs that you were in distress. If I were in her shoes, I would have wanted my child to feel safe enough to share anything, especially something as traumatic as this.

That day marked the beginning of a challenging journey. You lay awake that night, grappling with the images in your mind, questioning the very nature of what had transpired. How could a “doctor” examine you in such a dark, damp place? If he was indeed a doctor, why did he threaten you? You were too young to comprehend all this, but your instincts told you something was terribly wrong.

My heart aches for you, knowing you were left to face such an enormous ordeal without support. I wish I could sit beside you, brushing your hair back, and holding you tight to reassure you that it wasn’t your fault. I wanted to be the mother you needed at that moment.

In the absence of comfort, your pain manifested in so many ways. Watching you act out in confusion, desperate to rid yourself of those complicated feelings, makes me cry. I wish I could shake our mother awake to help her see that your behavior was a cry for help, not an invitation for punishment.

As if that wasn’t enough, fate dealt you another devastating blow. Someone who was meant to protect you crossed that sacred line again. That betrayal shattered whatever trust you had left in the world. The adult you still wrestles with that loss of faith. Did he realize the long-lasting impact of his actions?

Afterward, you replayed those horrific moments, wondering if this was typical behavior for fathers. I long to tell you, “No, not all fathers act that way, and what he did was utterly wrong.”

At just 12, while your friends were enjoying childhood, you embarked on a quest for understanding. In a world where sex was taboo, you sought knowledge through whatever means you could find. With the internet in its infancy, you turned to books for answers, often finding descriptions that were graphic and unsettling. I am truly sorry you had to seek education from such unhealthy sources.

Sweet younger self, I know it’s too late for these words, but you need to hear this. You are not to blame. What courage you displayed in continuing to live your life despite everything you faced. My heart swells with pride for you. I wish I could whisper in your ear, “Everything will be okay, my dear,” because no adult was there to reassure you then. I apologize for our mother’s silence on this; she should have been the one to say, “I’m sorry for not being there for you.”

You have shown remarkable strength by confronting your past instead of allowing it to define you. I admire how you sought help when you needed it most, support you deserved long ago. You’ve built a beautiful family, and I’m so proud of you for that.

It hurts that your son had to endure something similar, yet I am proud of how he confided in you and how you responded. I only wish you had the kind of mother you’ve become.

I hope these reflections aid in your healing process and help you release the chains of the past. I tried to offer you what you deserved to hear from those who could not. It may never be enough, but I know, and I’m sorry.

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Summary

This heartfelt reflection addresses the trauma experienced by a younger self after incidents of abuse. It acknowledges the pain of not having support during such a critical time and emphasizes the importance of understanding, healing, and moving forward. The message conveys strength, resilience, and the hope of breaking the cycle of silence surrounding abuse.