When my neighbor invited me to a ladies’ dinner with the other women in our community, I had a lot on my mind. I checked my schedule, browsed the restaurant’s menu (and, let’s be honest, the cocktail options), and texted the group to see what everyone was wearing. I even changed my outfit several times and mulled over whether to bring my large handbag or just a clutch. I wondered if I’d be warm enough without a jacket.
But you know what I didn’t do?
I didn’t ask my husband for permission to go. Sure, I mentioned it to him as a courtesy: “Hey, babe, I’m heading out for dinner with the girls on Wednesday. Will you be home, or do I need to find a babysitter?” However, there’s a significant difference between giving your partner a heads-up and actually asking for their go-ahead.
The beauty of adulthood is that we are no longer under anyone’s control. I might not have gotten the pony I wanted as a kid, but as an adult, I could have one in my living room by the weekend if I chose to. No one can stop me—well, except maybe the authorities, but that’s another story.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit exaggerated. I wouldn’t actually buy a pony on a whim. The point is, I didn’t leave my parents’ house just to move in with someone who dictates my choices. My husband is my partner, not my parent.
Children have to ask for permission because their parents are responsible for their well-being. Kids often lack the judgment to make wise decisions; if left to their own devices, they might stay up late every night and have candy for breakfast. As parents, we have to step in and sometimes say no for their own good. This dynamic is essential for helping kids learn to weigh their options responsibly.
However, when you ask your spouse for permission, it suggests that you can’t make sound decisions on your own. I can’t support that idea. There’s nothing wrong with discussing our plans; in fact, it would be inconsiderate not to. Open communication ensures we don’t double-book or overlook important commitments.
For instance, if my husband wants to enroll our daughter in soccer, he’ll talk to me about it first since it might mean I’ll need to drive her to early practices. Or if he wants to buy a new laptop, I’ll remind him we need to replace the car tires next month. After that, I trust him to make a choice that’s right for all of us because he’s an adult.
This is precisely why our traditional wedding vows didn’t include “obeying your spouse.” Love? Yes. Honor? Absolutely. But obey? That’s a definite no. I want my dog to obey me, not my husband. I don’t want to control him, nor do I want to be with someone who thinks they have the right to control my actions. Trust is fundamental in a healthy relationship, and if one partner feels the need to control the other, that’s a sign of deeper issues that need addressing.
I have no desire to assume the role of my husband’s mother. I already have enough kids asking for permission all day long. When it comes to making my own decisions, it’s a relief to know I’m not married to someone who feels the need—or the authority—to “allow” me to do anything.
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In summary, embracing autonomy within a partnership is crucial. Open communication is essential, but it’s equally important to trust each other’s judgment without seeking permission.