“Excuse me, could I please have a caramel macchiato, venti, skim, extra shot, extra hot, extra whip, and sugar-free?” That was the woman ahead of me at the coffee shop. Meanwhile, I ordered two kiddie hot chocolates with extra whipped cream, making sure to be polite and offer a cheerful smile to the friendly barista.
Just five minutes later, however, I found myself snapping at my kids for squabbling over the whipped cream. It’s strange how we often reserve our kindness for strangers while letting our frustrations spill over onto those we love the most. Why do we put on a brave face for the world yet unleash our true feelings on our innocent children?
I know the answers to these questions; they’re a bit rhetorical. Often, we vent our frustrations on those closest to us because it feels safe. It doesn’t tarnish our public image if we express our irritation behind closed doors. While this isn’t ideal in any relationship, it’s crucial to recognize how it affects our children.
I’m not suggesting we start venting our frustrations to everyone we encounter, but the cashier at the grocery store can handle a little grumpiness. At worst, she might think I’m rude; at best, she won’t even remember me. But our children? Everything we say to them leaves a lasting impression. My daughter still brings up the time I said I didn’t care what she wore after her fourth rejection of my suggestions. “I can’t believe I have a mom who would talk to me like that,” she said, and her words have stuck with me.
No matter the chaos in our lives, we shouldn’t take it out on our kids. If I’m stressed and can only spare 15 minutes of love and attention that day, it should be directed at them, not at some random stranger.
A recent moment of clarity hit me when I saw my daughter’s “feelings” art project. She had drawn a circle divided into segments, each representing a different person in her life, filled with colors corresponding to various emotions. My section had a mix of joy and a little purple, which stood for fear. It was humbling to realize my daughter felt afraid of me.
Some parents argue that a bit of fear is beneficial, but I disagree. I want my children to respect me, not fear me. I want to be their safe haven. When I asked her what scared her, she replied it was when I raised my voice. I could have become defensive, explaining that I only raise my voice after repeated requests, but the truth is, her feelings are what matter most.
I won’t pretend I’ll never lose my cool again. With four kids who have selective hearing, patience can be a challenge. It’s essential to communicate boundaries, which sometimes requires a firm tone. However, I’m committed to working on my approach and ensuring my kids understand and listen.
I can, however, be more mindful during those challenging times. When my child wants to play Uno after a long day, I need to fight the urge to respond with irritation. If I’m overwhelmed, I should keep that negativity away from them. This might mean wearing a slight frown while I’m out running errands or sneaking away to find my peace with a brownie and some calming ocean wave sounds. Whatever it takes, I want to give my best self, even on my toughest days, to the little ones who deserve it most.
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In essence, nurturing our children with the best of ourselves—even when we’re not at our best—is crucial. They deserve our kindness and patience, and it’s up to us to create a loving environment.