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Navigating the Tides of Grief as a Mother Without a Mother
“No one ever mentioned how grief can feel so much like fear.” – C.S. Lewis
As I lay in a hospital bed preparing to welcome my baby into the world, I found myself wishing desperately for the presence of a mother—a guiding hand, a comforting voice. I envisioned her beside me, reassuring me that everything would turn out fine and reminding me that the pain of labor would soon give way to the joy of motherhood. Her steady presence would have provided me with the encouragement I needed to embrace this new chapter. But, in reality, I was facing this monumental moment without a mother to lean on.
I am a motherless mother.
Instead of the warm embrace of a maternal figure to celebrate my child’s arrival, I had my husband by my side and a heavy sense of grief weighing on my heart. I had never truly lost a mother; I had simply never known one. I lacked that nurturing spirit who could inspire and prepare me for the challenges of motherhood. It has always been me, navigating the uncharted waters of life on my own. And here I was again, stepping into the unknown without the guidance of a mother.
I am a motherless mother.
My husband often calls me a “strong woman,” and I won’t dispute it. I have faced numerous challenges and emerged with a few scars but also with a resilient spirit that believes I can weather whatever life throws my way. I learned to depend on myself while also allowing my husband to support me. However, after giving birth to my son, I found myself in a hospital room without a mother to share in the joy of his birth. My heart ached for that nurturing presence, to soothe my fears and affirm that I was capable of being a good mother.
I am a motherless mother.
The initial months of parenthood felt incredibly isolating. This newfound solitude intensified my feelings of loneliness. I didn’t have that persistent mother who would find any excuse to visit and dote on her grandchild. This isolation morphed my longing for a mother into a deep-seated fear. I worried that I would mirror the harshness of my own upbringing, that I would struggle to connect with my child. This anxiety spiraled into postpartum challenges as sleepless nights filled my mind with endless “what-ifs.”
I am a motherless mother.
For months, I battled insomnia and anxiety, convinced that motherhood was a journey I couldn’t manage alone. Eventually, I allowed my doctor to prescribe a sleep aid, and I began to fill my days with the presence of other mothers—women who uplifted me, shared in my laughter, and offered their shoulders for tears. Gradually, the cloud of fear began to lift, revealing that I could embrace motherhood with grace and that I was not alone on this voyage.
My son is about to turn one, and I find that I sleep soundly most nights now, with the grief and fear subsiding. Just as one must continue living in the wake of a loved one’s death, I have learned to move forward into this uncertain journey, relying on my own strength and consciously surrounding myself with those who matter: my husband, my beautiful son, and my cherished friends.
But I am still a motherless mother.
Though my mother has not passed away, the absence still weighs heavily on my heart. A motherless mother experiences profound loss, whether through death, abandonment, or fractured relationships. The ache of wanting a mother can strike unexpectedly, like an unwelcome wave ready to engulf me. It may hit when I hear my son say “I love you” for the first time or when he waves goodbye on his first day of school. Whenever that loss resurfaces, I know it will sting. Yet, I have faith in my ability to rise, to keep living, laughing, and cherishing these precious moments.
Because I am a mother.
If you’re interested in more insights, consider checking out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’d like to explore how to navigate your own journey, you can find guidance at Make a Mom. Life is an unpredictable adventure, and no matter where it leads, we can find joy and purpose along the way.