The Challenge of Positive Parenting: When Frustration Strikes

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We’re all familiar with the principles of positive parenting: your 6-year-old is wailing that you’re the worst parent ever, that you ruin all the fun, and that he absolutely refuses to pick up his toys because his siblings made the mess.

Positive parenting encourages you to kneel down to his level, don a sympathetic expression, and say something like, “Wow, it sounds like you’re really angry. Can you help me understand why?” Or maybe, “Those seem like big feelings. How can I assist you with those?” Or even, “Oh dear, it seems you might need a hug!” All while your child is practically yelling in your face.

Here’s the catch with positive parenting: you might feel like you could just lose it.

Positive parenting expects you to maintain a calm demeanor while you’re fighting the urge to unleash a Medusa-like glare. Your little one just called you the worst parent after you’ve spent the entire day juggling laundry, mopping floors, reading stories, and delicately extracting who-knows-what from someone’s hair. All fueled by a mix of cold coffee and leftover snacks. If you’re not a good parent, then what on earth are you doing? Should you be doing all this while humming a tune from Mary Poppins? You’re definitely not a bad parent.

But wait, you’re supposed to be a champion of positive parenting. You don’t want to make your child feel guilty for all the effort you put in. You want them to understand that your actions are out of love, not a bargaining chip. You’re trying to be the epitome of selflessness.

Then your child insists you ruin his fun. His fun? You spent your day not just doing household chores but also creating a fun-filled crafting experience complete with scissors and glue—both of which require constant supervision. And don’t forget the glitter, which is like a curse that will haunt your house for years. But you do it all because you love him. After all those activities, you even read him three books and played a game of checkers, allowing him to win.

Yet, you don’t throw any of this in his face. You don’t remind him of all the joy he experienced today thanks to your efforts. No, you take a deep breath instead. Experts recommend calming techniques, so you suggest, “Let’s take some deep breaths together.” When he shouts that he doesn’t want to, you take those breaths on your own while resisting the urge to shake him.

And still, he’s stomping his feet, adamantly refusing to clean up his toys. Seriously? You brought those toys into the house, and you can just as easily take them out. You’ve spent far too much of your day picking up, sorting, and searching for toys. All you’re asking for is a bit of cooperation to gather some stray Hot Wheels. If you weren’t so exhausted from bending down all day, you’d do it yourself and skip the tantrum altogether.

But those toys are sacred—your child’s possessions are off-limits, just like your jewelry would be to them. You can’t take them away, nor can you vent about how often you have to pick them up. Instead, you put on a concerned face and try to gamify the cleanup: “I see you’re not keen on picking up your toys. Want to see who can clean up faster?” Or you could try, “Let’s sing a cleanup song!” and then invent a silly tune to the melody of “Frère Jacques.” Regardless, you find yourself down on your knees, picking up.

Positive parenting has its merits, validating children as real individuals and honoring their feelings. It teaches them they are just as important as adults. But for every moment of positive parenting, there’s an internal dialogue that leans more toward fantasizing about a life without kids than one filled with love and rainbows. Unless you’ve achieved total Zen, it’s nearly impossible to endure a tantrum without contemplating a getaway to Las Vegas. The mark of a loving, positive parent? You don’t act on those thoughts. But let’s be honest, they cross your mind.

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In summary, navigating the world of positive parenting can feel like an uphill battle filled with love and frustration. While you strive to validate and respect your child’s feelings, the inner turmoil can be overwhelming. Remember, it’s normal to feel exasperated at times, but finding healthy ways to cope is key.