As I hurried down the stairs, slipping an earring into my ear while mentally reviewing the list I needed to discuss with the babysitter, I spotted my 3-year-old son, Toby, sitting quietly on the couch. Normally, he’d be bouncing off the walls at the arrival of his favorite sitter, but his droopy posture and flushed cheeks indicated something was amiss. Upon closer inspection, I noticed his glassy eyes and the sad droop of his lips. Just then, the babysitter knocked, and as my husband went to let her in, I realized our plans for the evening were officially canceled.
Kids have an uncanny knack for derailing even the best-laid plans. Just when you think you’re about to step out, your babysitter calls with the news that your child has unleashed a tidal wave of pea-soup-colored vomit on your couch. It’s infuriating.
We’ve all experienced that moment. You see the screen light up with your babysitter’s name or the school nurse’s number and you hesitate, considering whether to pick up. Who hasn’t thought, “Oops! Didn’t see that message until just now!”? If you’re not raising your hand, let’s be real—you totally are.
Here’s a collection of phrases I’ve uttered during these chaotic moments:
- “Is there actual vomit present?” Without measurable evidence, I’m not rushing home.
- “Ugh. I should’ve given him more Tylenol before sending him to school.” Note to self: Set a reminder!
- “Why not just give him an ice pack and send him back?” Ice packs are a universal remedy, right?
- “Just give him some water. He’ll be okay.” Seriously, it’s just a little cough.
- “Do you have any surgical glue? Stitches are a hassle.” Who has time to wait in the ER for a minor cut?
- “Put her on the phone.” Time for some real talk.
- “Are you bleeding out of your eyeballs?” If not, back to class you go!
- “Are you on fire? Like, with flames?” Same logic as above.
- “Lunch is soon. She’s probably just hungry.” Ugh, her lunchbox is still on the counter.
- “How deep is the cut, really?” Just give me the facts.
- “If I take him to the doctor quick, can I bring him back?” That yoga class fills up fast!
- “Can he take a little nap?” Who doesn’t love a nap?
- “Hi, I just got him home, and his fever’s gone. Can he go back to school?” Just enough time to hit the grocery store.
- “Oh, it’s not lice; it’s just dandruff.” Otherwise, I’ll need to burn the house down!
- “Don’t worry; the tooth fairy will handle that tonight.” That’s what those cute little tooth chests are for.
- “How much pee actually got on his pants? Are his socks wet?” If they are, I’ll bring him new clothes!
- “Honey, do you mind if I still go out? He hasn’t thrown up in an hour. You got this, right?” Translation: I need to escape these walls!
- “He hasn’t thrown up since getting home. Can I bring him back?” Seriously, I just want to buy toilet paper in peace.
- “Tell him to blow his nose hard. It’ll help his ears unclog.” Call me Mom MacGyver!
- “His eyes were clear when he left for school this morning.” After I wiped the gunk away, of course.
- “I’ll be there in ten minutes with cough medicine.” He’s gonna have that cough for days; no one needs to miss math class!
- “Really, an ice pack will do the trick.” Just get him one already!
- “He’s fine; he just doesn’t like the substitute teacher.” Classic excuse.
- “Just slap a Band-Aid on her; I’ll deal with it later.” Band-Aids are a mom’s best friend!
- “Could you call his dad?” Tag, you’re it, honey.
Now, I may come across as unsympathetic when my kids are under the weather, but that’s not entirely true. When they’re genuinely sick, I’m right there by their side. But if they’re calling me from the nurse’s office because of a scratchy throat or a hurting sock, this mom is all about keeping it real—those kids are staying at school, and the sitter isn’t leaving just yet.
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In summary, parenting can be unpredictable, especially when illness strikes. While we may joke about our kids’ uncanny ability to ruin plans, the truth is we care deeply and will always be there for them when it truly matters. Just remember, sometimes a little humor is the best medicine.