Recognizing the Distinction Between Tantrums and Meltdowns

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I’m not a flawless parent. Like many mothers, I strive to balance the demands of parenting, my job, and the various responsibilities of adult life, and I often find myself falling short. However, I also have the unique experience of raising a child on the autism spectrum. Some days, I forget that our family faces distinct challenges, as this is the only life I’ve known. I love my two amazing kids, who navigate the complexities that come with being on the spectrum. I’m incredibly proud of their achievements and look forward to their future endeavors. Yet, there are moments when the reality of our situation hits me hard.

Weekends typically come with their own plans—whether it’s tackling household chores, catching up with friends, enjoying a movie, or indulging in some shopping. My personal goal was to squeeze in some creative writing after a bit of cleaning. But as I was tidying up the kitchen, I heard my daughter Lily start to fuss in the other room over a game. Initially, I thought I’d fixed the issue, so I returned to my chores. But then her fussing escalated into crying and swatting at me in frustration.

To someone unaccustomed to these situations, this might look like a tantrum. But it’s not. This is the onset of a meltdown.

Understanding Tantrums vs. Meltdowns

Tantrums typically occur when a child is upset about not getting their way. They often understand the reason behind their anger and may act out as a way to cope. With some parental intervention, tantrums can usually be resolved swiftly.

On the other hand, a meltdown is a different beast altogether. While I don’t hold a PhD, as a parent of a child with autism, I’ve come to understand that a meltdown happens when a child encounters an emotion or situation that overwhelms their ability to cope. During a meltdown, children can’t manage the flood of emotions and sensations bombarding them. They may become frustrated that they can’t rectify the situation, leading to feelings of anger and confusion. They might cry, scream, or even hit out of desperation, struggling to articulate their needs or to calm themselves.

Discipline doesn’t work in these instances, even though that might be a reflexive reaction for many parents.

Finding Calm in the Storm

From my experience, the key lies in helping the child reach a state of calm. It’s essential to divert their attention from the source of the meltdown. Options include taking them to a quiet space, wrapping them in a favorite blanket, or gently counting down from 10 or 20.

With Lily, I’ve found that a blend of techniques works best. It’s crucial for her to see that I remain calm; otherwise, my anxiety can exacerbate her distress. Today, I spoke softly to her, reassuring her that I was there to help, but she needed to focus on me. I reminded her of her power to calm down, and I would support her in that journey. Once she tuned in, I held her and rubbed her back—always asking first if she wanted to be held, as some children may find touch uncomfortable during these moments. I wiped away her tears and even made a light-hearted joke to ease the tension. By changing her shirt to one with a cheerful design, I explained that palm trees symbolize sunny, happy places, which can lift her spirits.

As we counted down from 20, I pretended to shake like a rocket. When we reached one, I cheered, “Blast off!” and she joyfully leaped off my lap. When I asked if she felt better, she simply said, “Better.”

I’m no expert; my knowledge comes from navigating the ups and downs of parenting. Finding what works for each child can be a challenging journey. It requires creativity and adaptability. With a plethora of techniques available, it’s essential to explore and discover what resonates with your child.

Advice for Fellow Parents

• Read and learn as much as possible.
• Engage actively in your child’s interests to help them thrive in your world.
• Practice patience; parenting is not a walk in the park.
• Above all, shower them with love—that’s what they need most.

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In summary, understanding the difference between tantrums and meltdowns can significantly impact how we respond to our children’s needs. By remaining patient and loving, while also being open to various techniques, we can help our children navigate their emotions more effectively.