By: Jessica Lane
Date: Feb. 16, 2017
I can’t quite pinpoint where the notion came from—perhaps it was during a class discussion or a scene from a dramatic show aimed at teens—but I knew that engaging in self-harm would bring me some form of relief. The exact nature of that relief didn’t matter; I simply craved to feel something, anything.
In therapy, I learned that I fit the definition of a covert perfectionist. Externally, I projected a carefree attitude, but internally, I was a tightly wound bundle of anxiety. The need to be flawless consumed me. I felt I had to excel academically to earn my teachers’ approval, always behave perfectly to ensure my parents’ love, and be everything to everyone else in hopes of finding my own happiness.
Ironically, this relentless pressure had the opposite effect. The weight of my expectations left me exhausted and emotionally numb. I wore a façade of happiness, smiling at everyone while feeling nothing inside.
Then Came the Breaking Point
One day, I grabbed a pair of scissors from the bathroom counter, my hands trembling. I separated the blades and pressed them against my arm. The pain was intense, but it was exactly what I needed. For the first time in months, I felt something—anything. Along with the physical hurt came tears, a release of pent-up emotions that had been bottled up for far too long. That moment of self-harm allowed me to reconnect with my feelings.
This pattern continued for several months. Whenever the emotional turmoil became overwhelming, I resorted to self-harm as a means of coping. Eventually, my sister discovered what was happening and confided in our parents. That evening, I experienced an overwhelming sense of unconditional love that I had long been missing.
Through therapy, I came to understand that I had been grappling with a major depressive episode. Over the years, I’ve learned that depression, in its various forms, is a part of my life that I can manage. Thankfully, I now have access to medication that helps me navigate daily living. I only wish I had these resources during my high school years.
This is merely my story of self-harm—rooted in the suffocating pressure to be perfect, which almost cost me my life. It’s essential to recognize that while some teenagers appear to be experiencing the normal ups and downs of adolescence, others may be silently suffering. If you suspect your teen is struggling, don’t ignore the signs. Encourage open conversations, listen attentively, and provide love and support. You can be the guiding light that helps them through the darkness, just as my family did for me.
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Conclusion
In conclusion, my experience with self-harm was a wake-up call about the importance of support systems. Remember, it’s crucial to be aware and proactive when it comes to the mental health of our loved ones.