It’s 7:58 a.m., and the morning scramble to get out the door for school has finally settled. I return to the kitchen to assess the chaos: coffee stains, spilled milk, scattered crumbs, and remnants of peanut butter adorn the counters. A bowl half-filled with soggy cereal and another with hardened oatmeal sit abandoned, while the dog eagerly attempts to reach the leftover scrambled eggs that the youngest left behind. Amidst this mess lies my teenager’s forgotten lunch.
I shoot a quick text to my daughter, “You forgot your lunch.”
Her reply comes swiftly: “Oops, sorry! Can you bring it?”
I glance at my calendar and assure her I can drop it off at the front desk within the hour. “Thanks, Mom!” she replies, and I send back a kissy face emoji before tackling the dirty dishes and tidying up the counters.
Sure, I now have an unexpected detour to her school, but I’m perfectly fine with that. In fact, I enjoy helping out my teenager, even though I’ve heard the warnings that I’m hindering her growth into a fully functioning adult by swooping in to save the day.
Honestly, that notion is just ridiculous. I’m exhausted from hearing parenting experts claim I’m sabotaging my teen’s future independence. If I’m perceived as too much of a “friend,” then I’m supposedly failing to set boundaries. When I do her laundry, it’s said that I’m depriving her of essential life skills. And bringing her forgotten lunch? Apparently, that teaches her nothing about real-life consequences, like facing a growling stomach during class.
I don’t buy into the idea that throwing our teens into the deep end is the only way to prepare them for adulthood. Yes, we want to prevent the rise of entitled kids who expect everything to be handed to them, but I don’t believe the solution is as black and white as allowing them to face every consequence alone. If I leave my daughter without her lunch, she might interpret it as a message that I’m unavailable when she needs me. That’s not a lesson I want to impart.
Of course, self-sufficiency and accountability are crucial. Young adults should master skills like waking up on time, feeding themselves, managing busy schedules, and maintaining personal hygiene. And let’s not forget the myriad challenges that come with being a teenager. My daughter juggles a full day at school, sports practices, and a heap of homework and studying. She’s even been proactive about turning off her phone early at night because she’s simply too worn out to stay connected.
Before you think I’m bragging about my “perfect” teenager, let me clarify: she’s just as sassy and demanding as any teen. If her soccer jersey isn’t clean for the next day’s game or if we run out of her favorite cereal, it’s all my fault for not doing the laundry or grocery shopping. That’s when I remind her that she’s capable of sorting clothes, pouring detergent, and pressing a few buttons and that there are other breakfast options available.
We’re not doing our older kids any favors by constantly rescuing them from their mistakes. Navigating uncomfortable situations and overcoming obstacles is pivotal for them to discover their identity, strengths, and areas for improvement. I want that too, but I also want my children to understand that it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for help when they need it.
My aim is to raise competent adults who feel loved and supported, especially when they’re striving to manage everything in their busy lives. While I may not respond well to demands, I see my willingness to assist my teen as an opportunity to model empathy and kindness—qualities I hope she carries into her future. Being an adult isn’t solely about responsibility; it’s also about recognizing when to seek help.
So yes, sweetheart, I’m more than happy to deliver your forgotten lunch today. Just don’t forget to handle the laundry when you get back home.
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In summary, helping my teenager doesn’t mean I’m denying her the chance to learn essential life skills. It’s about balancing support and independence, ensuring she knows she can rely on me when needed while still gaining the tools to navigate adulthood on her own.