April 17, 2023
It wasn’t always this challenging for us. Before we tied the knot, I faced many emotional hurdles—sadness and tears were frequent visitors, and I often felt friendless. Our wedding day was a whirlwind of anxiety, leading me to drink too much to cope with being the center of attention. Yet, I managed to get through grad school while grappling with what I later realized was undiagnosed ADD. We traveled together, tackling adventures like kayaking and fostering rescue dogs, even if my anxiety put a damper on our first few days in Ireland.
But everything changed when I became pregnant. My manageable anxiety spiraled into debilitating depression and crippling anxiety. Medication provided brief relief, but the cycle of despair returned with a vengeance. I found myself in a day-treatment program, and my mental health issues overshadowed our lives. My husband, Mark, became everything—single parent, chef, emotional support, and caregiver. While he was not a single parent in the traditional sense, when he returned home from work, he had to step into all those roles.
I became too drained to participate, often retreating to bed, leaving Mark to handle the kids and household responsibilities. The kids sought his attention, but I needed him too. He would put on some mindless television in the background while he came to comfort me, becoming the Great Comforter. In those moments, I would lash out, voicing hurtful thoughts about myself—feelings of inadequacy that I knew were irrational but felt so real. “This isn’t a marriage,” I would think. “You’d be better off without me.” I even threatened divorce, not out of a lack of love but as a misguided way to free him from my struggles. Yet, his response was consistent: “No, I love you. I’m here for you.” Those words were his only armor.
Navigating this tumultuous emotional landscape left Mark feeling isolated. How does one share such intimate struggles with friends? My calm assertions that my mental health issues would eventually lead to our separation felt rational to me in those moments, though we both knew divorce was never an option for us—partly due to our values and partly because of our bond.
As I took on the role of The Patient, Mark had to be stoic, concealing his vulnerabilities to avoid triggering my descent into despair. I felt powerless, drowning in my fears of losing custody of our sons, even though Mark never threatened that. This imbalance created a dynamic that was both dependent and adversarial. I needed him to stabilize me, yet I resented him for it, while he sometimes felt frustrated by my inability to just “get better.”
Date nights? They were a distant dream. By the time Mark got home, I was too exhausted to do anything but wallow in self-doubt about my appearance. Instead, we salvaged our connection in small ways. He would insist we go outside, and though I resisted at first, those walks became a lifeline. We held hands and found solace in each other’s company.
We discovered shared interests to bond over during my toughest times. In the midst of a difficult medication withdrawal, we both dove into Bernard Cornwell’s captivating Saxon Stories, filled with humor and adventure set in historical Britain. This created a safe space for laughter and joy, separate from my mental health struggles—whether it was discussing fictitious battles or indulging in our favorite shows.
This is how we weathered the storm. Silly jokes about imaginary swords became threads that connected us despite the heaviness of my mental health issues. We patiently awaited the return of my stability, and eventually, I began to improve. We shed our imposed roles, focusing on our true selves again. Once I was ready, we prioritized our relationship, going out on dates and rekindling intimacy.
How to Navigate Marriage During a Mental Health Crisis
You hold on. You adapt to new roles, harbor resentment, practice forgiveness, and wait for the clouds to clear. Belief in your partnership is essential, especially when one of you remains grounded—often the healthier partner—until the storm passes. Sharing something, whether it’s a book or a TV series, can be a bridge during tough times. Most importantly, you must believe in each other.
For more insights on navigating mental health challenges in relationships, check out our other blog posts here. If you’re exploring options for pregnancy, this excellent resource on treating infertility can provide valuable information. And for those interested in home insemination, consider checking out BabyMaker for their comprehensive kits.
In summary, while managing mental health within a marriage can feel overwhelming, love, understanding, and shared interests can help couples navigate these challenges together.