It’s strange to reflect on how one of the most significant challenges in my adult life originated from a choice I made when I was just 13. At that age, I discovered that I could practically go without eating, and no one would be the wiser. I learned how to avoid food and keep my weight-conscious mother from noticing that I was growing up. I didn’t want to face my teenage years — my sister was already in that phase and was frequently criticized about her weight. I aimed to stay under the radar, avoiding the curvy body that seemed destined for me as a Greek-Italian girl. I certainly didn’t want my weight to become a topic of conversation during family dinners.
I don’t have a healthy relationship with food or exercise, as I’ve battled eating disorders for most of my life. What I do know is how unhealthy this relationship has been, resembling the toxic narratives that flood social media daily. It’s perplexing how, in our online world, tracking every mile you run or every meal you consume has become a badge of honor. When did society collectively decide that such obsession with diet and exercise was acceptable? Yet, at the same time, we shame those who are overweight, making it seem like they shouldn’t even exist.
“Just because the average size is 16 doesn’t mean it should be that way, and glorifying obesity isn’t right.”
People don’t bat an eyelash when you boast about your workout regimen or your latest juice cleanse. These behaviors are simply accepted as normal and healthy. Fasts, cleanses, and diet plans receive applause, while gaining a few pounds invites an onslaught of unsolicited health advice and concern from strangers online. When I was at my thinnest, no one questioned my health. Ironically, I desperately needed someone to do just that. In my early twenties, I was often fainting, a consequence of being constantly undernourished, fasting, and exercising to exhaustion. My fainting episodes were a running joke among friends and family, masking the serious issues I was facing.
“You’re just allowing yourself to be fat. Shop at the ‘plus-size’ stores.”
This week, I’ve been reflecting on my experiences after writing an essay about the difficulty of finding clothes in sizes 14-16, which is absurdly the average size for American women today. While many women resonated with my frustrations, there was also a wave of body shaming. It’s something I’d expected; when you navigate the world with a body that exceeds societal norms, you quickly become accustomed to the comments and judgments.
“No one is obligated to make clothing in your size. With two-thirds of Americans being overweight, let’s focus on addressing that issue instead of complaining about stores not carrying your size.”
Reading through the comments, I realized the issue wasn’t simply my weight, but my unapologetic attitude about it. How dare I seek clothes that fit my size 16 frame and express my dissatisfaction about it publicly? Shouldn’t I be hiding away in shame, perhaps crying over old photographs? The expectation seems to be that I should simply conform and stay silent.
It’s been four years since I engaged in the self-destructive behaviors that plagued my past. During this time, I’ve gained 45 pounds, which has been challenging for someone who has long been fixated on the numbers on a scale. Surprisingly, I haven’t spent these years indulging in laziness or eating cake nonstop. I became a mother for the second time, moved homes twice, switched careers to a desk job, and faced personal and work-related stress. I couldn’t rely on my old coping mechanisms of tracking every calorie or denying myself pleasures because I refused to return to that painful existence.
“Quit complaining. Just lose weight. Why not strive to fit into what should be normal sizes?”
Are there moments when I look in the mirror and feel dissatisfaction? Absolutely. I’m human, after all. I’m not immune to the pressures of advertisements or the criticisms that have tied my self-worth to a number. However, any fleeting moments of self-doubt pale in comparison to the times I found myself on the bathroom floor, wishing I could stop myself from fading away completely.
After experiencing anxiety this year, I convinced myself something was physically wrong with me and underwent a battery of tests. I had my heart, liver, kidneys, blood pressure, and cholesterol checked. I even had tests for blood clots and thyroid issues.
I’m in perfect health.
So, the unsolicited concerns about my well-being are rather intriguing. There were numerous times in my life when I genuinely needed the concern, yet it was absent. Did my weight gain come with some unhealthy habits? Sure. I had countless days where I survived on coffee and easy-to-grab carbs while juggling life’s responsibilities. Have I exercised enough? Definitely not. But sometimes, when life gets overwhelming and you’re raising little humans, it’s about survival, and your appearance takes a backseat.
It’s ironic that after nearly three decades of starving myself and struggling with bulimia, no one ever questioned my health until I began gaining weight. I’m assuming that with a focus on healthier eating and moving my body more, the pounds will eventually shed. But now, I walk because I enjoy the scenery of blooming dogwood trees and listening to music. I consume more protein and veggies because they make me feel good, not because I’m attempting to change my body. After years of criticizing the remarkable body that has carried me through life, I’m finally at peace with my reflection — even if it’s the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I refuse to apologize for that.
I’m done spending my days punishing myself for not being thin enough. So, to the armchair doctors of the internet, don’t worry about me — I’m just fine. In fact, I’m thriving. All my health tests indicate I’m in great shape. I have colleagues who respect me, friends who love me, and I’m doing meaningful work telling stories that uplift women. I’ll continue sharing my journey — even if it includes my body, just as it is. And by the way, I really want clothes that fit!
If you’re grappling with an eating disorder, I encourage you to seek help from the National Eating Disorder Association, which provides valuable resources.
In case you’re interested in more information on home insemination, check out our other blog post at Home Insemination Kit. You can also find excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination here. Additionally, if you’re looking to enhance your fertility journey, consider exploring the supplements recommended by experts at Make A Mom.
Summary
This article discusses the author’s journey with body image and societal expectations surrounding weight and health. It highlights the struggles with eating disorders, the stigma of being overweight, and the importance of self-acceptance and health over appearance. Ultimately, the author embraces her body as it is and challenges societal norms surrounding weight, encouraging others to do the same.