As part of my morning routine after sending my kids off to school, I find myself closing my daughter’s bedroom door. Each time I peek inside, I feel a rush of irritation. Clothes are scattered all over the floor, and her desk is a chaotic mess of papers. As I shut the door, I can’t help but think, “What’s her deal? How hard is it to toss the clothes in the hamper?” Immediately, my mood sinks.
Then I walk into my own room and realize I’m a walking contradiction. My pajamas are lying on my floor, reminding me of my own messy childhood room, which often looked like a tornado hit it.
I’m a self-confessed perfectionist—well, more like a troubled perfectionist. I sometimes wish I could say I’m in recovery, but that nagging part of me is always lurking, ready to pounce. I constantly battle that perfect version of myself, and unfortunately, it sometimes seeps into my parenting.
Rebecca Lane, author of Positive Parenting Unplugged, wisely pointed out, “Children are often punished for simply being human. They experience grumpy moods, bad days, and disrespectful tones, yet adults experience these emotions regularly.” Ouch. Guilty as charged.
There are plenty of mornings when I wake up feeling grumpy, snapping at everyone around me for no real reason. But I tell myself that it’s okay because I’m an adult, and I’m allowed to have bad days. But are we extending that same understanding to our children?
I’m making an effort, but it’s a challenge. I’ve noticed that kids often display difficult behavior as a manifestation of deeper issues. It’s my responsibility to uncover the root cause, whether it’s a poor night’s sleep, bullying at school, or simply waking up on the wrong side of the bed. After all, our kids are human too.
However, we sometimes forget this and respond with punishment, frustration, or even withdrawal, especially when faced with the emotional turmoil that comes with parenthood. The mood swings and emotional roller coasters of my kids can be overwhelming.
I often look at my little ones and see their neediness as a burden. But they aren’t trying to complicate my life; they are on their own journey of discovery and growth. They need my support, love, and guidance.
And let’s be honest: I need support too. If there were a title for the “Queen of Neediness,” I’d probably claim it!
I’ve been trying to let my kids know that it’s okay to feel angry or upset with me, as long as they express those feelings appropriately. They can retreat to their rooms, cool off, scream into a pillow, and then come back to discuss what’s bothering them with a clearer perspective. I also strive to model this behavior.
Learning to differentiate between punishing my kids for human behavior versus inappropriate actions is a constant struggle. It can be exhausting to navigate the emotional landscape of family life, especially with a toddler throwing tantrums, a tween rolling her eyes, and a teenager who seems perpetually irritated.
Therefore, it’s essential to remind myself that these young humans are just that—human. They deserve grace and compassion for their emotions. Punishing them for feeling upset or angry isn’t always the most effective solution.
Strategies for Grounding Myself
- Consider if something deeper is going on with my child.
- Ask my kids if something is bothering them.
- Reflect on how I would feel if I were reprimanded in the same way.
- Think about whether I exhibit similar behaviors myself. Would I face punishment if I were in their shoes?
One day, my daughter came home from school, visibly upset and angry. My initial reaction was frustration; why couldn’t she just be pleasant? I wanted to send her to her room until she could be in a better mood. But then a gentle voice reminded me to connect with her instead.
So, I paused, joined her on the couch, and sat quietly by her side. She didn’t say much, but I noticed her breathing slowed, and she began to relax as she gazed out the window. In that moment, she needed my presence, my undivided attention.
The key takeaway is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to parenting. We must remember that our children are human too. Just as we are flawed, they possess their own imperfections. By releasing these unrealistic expectations, we can foster a more harmonious family dynamic.
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Summary
In parenting, it’s crucial to remember that children are not perfect. They experience a range of emotions just like adults do, and it’s important to respond with empathy rather than punishment. By understanding the underlying reasons for their behavior, we can foster a nurturing environment that encourages growth and emotional expression.