As a parent, I never anticipated how much my children would mirror both the admirable and less favorable aspects of myself and my partner. On those challenging days when their behavior tests my patience, I often see exaggerated traits that I’ve spent years learning to manage—traits that could be summed up as “unwavering determination” or some similar label I’ve picked up along the way.
Despite the challenges of raising a strong-willed daughter, I remind myself that these traits often lead to self-sufficient and successful adults. My investment in nurturing her character today will, hopefully, yield great rewards in the future when she’s thriving on her own.
Fortunately, the most difficult moments tend to fade from memory, replaced by the joy of her laughter, sweet notes tucked away in my bag, and creative projects that express her affection. It’s as if time averages out the tough days with the delightful ones, allowing both parents and children to grow through the experience.
A Lesson in Resilience
In my 7-year-old daughter, I see a budding resilience and creativity. Recently, when her building set arrived missing over 40 pieces, I watched her navigate a pivotal moment. Rather than falling into despair because her creation didn’t match the picture on the box, she adapted by using bits from her brother’s collection. Even more impressively, she took the initiative to contact the company for a replacement, earning a response and compensation for her effort. I couldn’t help but envision her as a future leader, overcoming challenges with grace and determination.
The Downside of Adaptability
However, her adaptability comes with a downside. As a natural problem-solver and peacekeeper, she often prioritizes others’ needs over her own, particularly in social settings. This tendency manifests in her frequent apologies—two tiny words that have become a daily refrain in our home: “I’m sorry.”
This morning, as we baked muffins, she apologized for a tiny muffin cup that didn’t quite measure up. While making the bed, when a fitted sheet popped off, she said, “I’m sorry, Mom.” And when her siblings made a mess, she quickly chimed in with yet another apology. It’s a never-ending cycle: sorry, sorry, sorry.
Please don’t get me wrong; I teach my children to be polite and considerate. Yet, I’m concerned that her constant apologies—especially for things beyond her control—signal an issue. Unlike her brothers and father, she’s absorbed this habit from me, and that’s where the problem lies.
Recognizing the Pattern
I first noticed her excessive apologies around age four or five, and it seemed to punctuate her every sentence. I tried to guide her by saying, “Sweetheart, you don’t need to apologize for things you haven’t done or for situations where you aren’t at fault.” However, I realized that my own behavior was influencing her. Even today, when I asked her to check on the muffins, I reflexively said, “I’m sorry for interrupting your reading.”
It’s as if I’m apologizing for merely existing, for having needs or asking for help. The societal message that women should downplay their presence and contributions is not new. Sheryl Sandberg highlighted this dynamic in her influential TED Talk. I’ve studied this topic and understand its implications, yet I find myself perpetuating it with my daughter. For that, I feel a genuine sense of regret.
Finding the Silver Lining
However, there’s a silver lining: I am raising a daughter who values harmony and is not afraid to take responsibility or apologize when it’s warranted. These are admirable qualities, especially in the right context. My goal as her mother is to help her recognize the difference between assuming blame that isn’t hers and showing empathy without diminishing her worth. She should never feel the need to apologize for simply being herself or for shining too brightly.
Every day is an opportunity to guide her toward a healthier mindset—one that differentiates genuine accountability from unnecessary self-diminishment. We can move away from the habit of “sorry confetti” to a more empowered expression of care and intention.
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Conclusion
In summary, I’m committed to teaching my daughter the value of self-assertion and the importance of recognizing when an apology is truly necessary. My journey as a parent is to reshape how she views herself and her place in the world, encouraging her to embrace her strengths without feeling she must apologize for them.