artificial insemination kit for humans
October 20, 2021
It’s Thursday, and I’ve managed to shower just once this week. It’s not something I’m proud of. The odor from my armpits is quite strong, reminiscent of a blend of onions, vinegar, and various meats — almost like an Italian deli. My scalp itches, oily buildup mingling with dead skin, remnants of hairspray, and old gel. My clothes are stained with food and sweat, and it’s been nearly two full days since I’ve changed out of my hoodie or my undergarments. The reason behind this? I’m in pain. I’m struggling deeply. I’m really, really depressed, and when you’re in that state, showering can feel like an overwhelming task.
I’m no stranger to depression; I’ve battled it before and will likely face it again. Living with bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and PTSD means that depression is one of my constant companions. While bipolar depression shares similarities with typical depression — feelings of sadness, lethargy, hopelessness, and apathy — there are distinct aspects that only those with bipolar depression truly understand.
When I’m in a depressive episode, my irritability peaks. I become snappy and short-tempered, often reacting without reason. Just this week, I lost my patience with my son for being too cheerful. His energy felt overwhelming. During these times, I cycle continuously between hypomania and apathy, grappling with racing thoughts and deep despair. I crave solitude, not because I want to be alone, but because I wish to escape — to vanish. I lack the energy or motivation to stay awake; I sleep all night and nap throughout the day, not out of necessity, but because being awake feels like too much effort.
I cry in silence, my screams unheard, and it often feels as though I’m drowning. I struggle against the relentless waves of my emotions. My feelings are amplified, and my mood swings are intense.
Yet, I’m not alone. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million Americans, or about 2.6% of the adult population. I am one among nearly six million. I’ve lived with this condition for most of my life. Although bipolar depression is challenging — making existence feel like a daunting task — it’s not my everyday reality. Most days, I find myself in a stable place. Thanks to a mix of medication and therapy, I can maintain a semblance of normalcy.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), “Proper treatment helps most people living with bipolar disorder control their mood swings and other symptoms.” Since bipolar disorder is chronic, ongoing treatment is necessary. Fortunately, with proper care, many individuals lead fulfilling lives. Healthline notes that those with bipolar disorder can experience extended periods of a stable mood known as euthymia. However, they may also encounter mixed episodes, where symptoms of both mania and depression coexist simultaneously — a situation I often find myself in.
My depression isn’t straightforward. At times, I zone out, numbing myself through alcohol — a symptom of my manic phase. Recklessness can indicate that I’m cycling, and my irritability becomes more pronounced. My temper flares up quickly, reminiscent of Anger from “Inside Out.” Yet beneath that, I feel profound sadness, losing my sense of purpose, feeling helpless, and wrestling with thoughts of wanting to die.
Yes, suicidal thoughts cross my mind regularly, and I’ve acted on them twice.
The silver lining is that most days, I feel normal. I’ve learned to recognize the signs of an impending episode. I sensed this current wave of depression approaching days before I fell into it. I reached out to my therapist and contacted my psychiatrist for coping strategies, but still, I slipped. The depression enveloped me.
However, I remind myself that falling isn’t synonymous with failure. I refuse to give in. Depression, while painful, isn’t everlasting. This too shall pass. It’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes, stillness and rest are crucial, and simply getting out of bed can be an achievement.
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Search Queries:
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In summary, bipolar depression is a complex experience that involves deep emotional struggles and frequent mood changes. While it can feel isolating and overwhelming, support and treatment options exist to help individuals navigate their journey.