A few weeks ago, I had the delightful opportunity to present some of my work on bullying prevention at a local bookstore. Engaging with enthusiastic and cheerful children was already a wonderful experience, but I was further fortunate to have a reporter there who wrote a glowing article about my book and the initiatives I undertake with kids, parents, educators, and youth care professionals. This exposure has since sparked meaningful conversations within my community, as many people recognized my photo in the paper and related to the bullying examples discussed.
Since the article’s publication, I’ve been moved to tears by parents who have expressed feelings of anger and helplessness regarding their children’s experiences with bullying at school. One particularly eloquent middle school student shared his distressing accounts of being bullied physically and verbally on the school bus. An elementary girl recounted how she felt pressured to abandon her Australian accent soon after arriving at U.S. schools, facing exclusion from her classmates. The sheer frequency of these stories continually astonishes me; the pervasive nature of such cruelty is shocking.
I want to begin by acknowledging that many of the bullying stories I hear are indeed distressing and often deeply cruel. However, I also feel it’s essential to be honest and point out that not every account falls into the same category of severity.
Recently, an acquaintance shared a story with me after reading about my work: “Lila, I saw your picture in the paper! Congratulations! I didn’t realize you worked with bullied students. It’s so crucial—things have gotten terrible! Last week, my daughter was bullied really badly after school! A kid from our neighborhood threw a handful of leaves right in her face! When she got home, she still had leaves in her coat. I don’t know what to do about these bullies.”
“Did she seem upset when she got home?” I asked, wanting to empathize.
“No, she just brushed the leaves off and said they were having fun,” she replied.
“Oh,” I said, understanding that kids often downplay their experiences due to embarrassment. “Did you get the impression she was covering for him?”
“No, she genuinely thought it was fun. She even threw leaves back at him, which I told her NEVER to do again! The nerve of those kids.”
“Just one boy throwing leaves, or were there a group ganging up on her?” I inquired.
“It was just that one boy,” she assured me. “He lives about a block away. I don’t think he’s usually mean to her; this was the first time she mentioned him. But it better be the last! I won’t tolerate her being bullied by that kid. I’ll inform the principal next time!”
While I want to respect everyone’s feelings and experiences (that’s the social worker in me!), I often hear stories like this that lead me to believe we need to clarify the differences between rude behavior, mean behavior, and bullying. I first learned about these distinctions from best-selling children’s author, Trudy Ludwig, and I find them incredibly useful.
Rude Behavior
Rude Behavior is when someone inadvertently does or says something that hurts another person. For instance, a relative of mine might sweetly comment on my curly red hair, suggesting I should consider dyeing it. While her comments can sting, recognizing that she means no harm helps me manage my feelings. In children, rudeness might include actions like cutting in line or throwing leaves in someone’s face. These behaviors are often spontaneous and unplanned, stemming from thoughtlessness rather than an intention to harm.
Mean Behavior
Mean Behavior is when someone deliberately says or does something to hurt another person once or twice. The key difference between rudeness and meanness is intent; while rudeness is often accidental, meanness is aimed at causing hurt. Children may engage in mean behavior by criticizing a peer’s appearance or intelligence, often fueled by anger or a misguided need to elevate themselves by putting someone else down. Mean comments can be deeply wounding, and it is crucial for adults to hold children accountable for their actions.
Bullying
Bullying is a more severe form of aggression that is intentional, repetitive, and involves an imbalance of power. Experts agree that bullying comprises three critical components: intent to harm, a power disparity, and repeated aggressive acts. Kids who bully do so with no remorse, regardless of how their actions affect their victims. Bullying can manifest physically, verbally, relationally, or through technology.
Understanding the differences between rude, mean, and bullying behavior is essential. It helps educators, parents, and community members know when to intervene. With the rise of social media and increased awareness of bullying, it’s crucial to address these distinctions seriously. If children and parents mislabel rudeness or mean behavior as bullying, we risk diluting the gravity of actual bullying incidents, which can be life-altering.
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In summary, while rudeness, meanness, and bullying all fall under the umbrella of negative behavior, understanding their distinctions is vital for effective intervention and support in our communities.