5 Things That Won’t Help a Friend in Crisis

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We’ve all been there, or chances are, we will be. A friend opens up about their tough situation—maybe their partner has been diagnosed with cancer, or they’ve just experienced a heartbreaking loss. Whatever the case, your heart aches for them. You can’t truly grasp their pain, but you know it’s the kind that makes getting out of bed feel impossible. While there is no perfect way to support a friend in need, there are definitely some things you should avoid doing. Here’s a rundown of five things that won’t help:

1. Just Stand By.

I get it—this one seems obvious. But when someone is going through a tough time, it’s so easy to feel paralyzed. You might be overwhelmed by emotions or think they have enough help already. While caring from a distance can be okay if you’re unsure of how to help or don’t know the person well, as a friend, you can always do something, even if it’s simply saying, “I’m here for you, even when I’m struggling too.”

2. Ask, “How Can I Help?”

This is a common phrase that many of us use, myself included. I learned the hard way that asking this can actually be more stressful for someone who’s already dealing with their own crisis. They often don’t know what they need, and putting them on the spot can feel burdensome. Instead, offer specific ways you can assist them—like asking when you can deliver dinner or pick up their kids. It’s so much more helpful!

3. Give Unsolicited Advice.

When facing a tough situation, people are bombarded with information from doctors and friends alike. While you may have good intentions, sharing advice without them asking can feel overwhelming. They might already be going through a rollercoaster of emotions and don’t need more pressure. Instead, let them know you’re there for them and ready to support without judgment, whether they need company or just some quiet time.

4. Unload Your Emotions on Them.

During my friend’s difficult time with her partner’s illness, she introduced me to the concept of the Ring Theory. The idea is that those in the center—like the sick person—need support, while those outside can vent. It was a wake-up call for me to realize that my friend didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to bear my struggles. I found another friend to share my feelings with, allowing my friend to focus on her own challenges.

5. Dictate Their Feelings.

It’s tempting to try to lift someone’s spirits with “at least” statements, like “At least they didn’t suffer” or “At least you have your health.” However, these phrases can come off as dismissive. Just because you see a silver lining doesn’t mean they will. Everyone experiences grief differently, and minimizing their emotions doesn’t help. Instead, be a good listener, allowing them to express whatever they’re feeling without judgment.

Watching a friend endure such pain is incredibly tough. Many people struggle just to get through each day, and it’s essential to remember that we are not meant to navigate these journeys alone. There’s a lot we can do to support our friends in crisis, and being honest and vulnerable can be immensely helpful.

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In summary, being there for a friend in crisis means avoiding common pitfalls like inaction, vague offers of help, unsolicited advice, emotional unloading, and dictating their feelings. Instead, focus on specific, supportive actions and listening. We all have a role to play in each other’s lives, and your presence can make a big difference.