It’s been ages since I watched Look Who’s Talking, but there’s a scene that stays with me, where Kirstie Alley sits on a park bench, reading about mothers dealing with postpartum depression. She looks up defiantly and declares, “Well, I’m not gonna!” Fast forward to her on the couch, sobbing uncontrollably at a random TV commercial. That was the extent of my understanding of postpartum depression before I became a mother.
Despite my best efforts to anticipate every aspect of my pregnancy, I quickly learned that I had little control over whether postpartum depression would affect me. The most I could do was familiarize myself with warning signs and potential causes, just in case.
However, I found no references to postpartum anxiety in my readings. I was shocked to discover that around 80% of mothers experience some level of postpartum-related anxiety or depression, yet many are unaware of it until they face it themselves. Some may even endure it without recognizing it for what it is. I felt unprepared for the wave of emotions that was about to engulf me.
After an exhausting 46 hours in the hospital, my daughter arrived via C-section in November 2015. She was perfect, and I felt complete. But as night fell on our first day together, I didn’t expect to feel anything but exhaustion. Suddenly, an overwhelming wave of panic hit me, seemingly out of nowhere. I felt trapped, desperate for fresh air after three days in the hospital.
But stepping outside didn’t help. I was in the throes of a panic attack, and with no prior experience with anxiety, I was lost. I could scarcely remember how I eventually calmed down and fell asleep. The next day, a compassionate hospital psychiatrist visited me, reassuring me that my feelings were entirely normal. I believed him, even though I felt anything but normal. He provided me with the contact information for a postpartum therapist, assuring me that I would be alright.
His words resonated, but I still felt bewildered. One moment I was blissful, and the next, I was engulfed in fear. I tried to make sense of my overwhelming feelings, attributing them to the traumatic experience I had just endured: two failed inductions, a botched epidural, and a C-section. I kept telling myself it was all part of the process and that I would feel better once I was home.
However, once I returned home, the anxiety didn’t dissipate. My familiar living room now featured an unfamiliar 6-pound baby in a rock ‘n’ play, and once again, panic washed over me. The flood of emotions was overwhelming for a brand-new mother, especially with hormone levels fluctuating dramatically. Realizing I couldn’t ignore these feelings, I promptly called the therapist and scheduled an appointment for the next day.
Words cannot fully capture how beneficial postpartum therapy was for me. During those early sessions, I felt like a shadow of my former self. Yet, with each visit, my therapist reassured me that I was not only going to be okay, but that I already was. This affirmation was crucial. While my husband and mother provided incredible support, I needed someone experienced in postpartum issues to validate my feelings and let me know that wanting to escape was not uncommon. Slowly but surely, I began to feel better.
As the weeks passed, my body healed, my mind settled, and life began to feel familiar again. My husband and I established routines with our baby, who graciously allowed us to sleep for longer stretches at night. I connected with other new mothers who shared my fears, and we supported each other through our challenges. Returning to work after maternity leave, I noticed my old life blending with the new, and it felt right. The fog that had enveloped me gradually lifted.
By the summer of 2016, roughly seven months postpartum, I completed my last therapy session. Now, I am the proud mom of a lively 15-month-old daughter who embodies spirit and joy. While I still experience brief moments of anxiety, they are far less intense and no longer paralyze me. I openly share my experiences with both new and old mom friends, discovering that many have felt similarly. There’s no shame in this struggle—it’s a badge of courage, akin to my C-section scar, symbolizing my journey into motherhood.
Being a first-time mom is a mix of wonder and fear. If you’re willing to share the beautiful moments, don’t shy away from discussing the difficult ones too. Seeking help is not only okay—it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your precious baby if you need it. For more insights on navigating these feelings, consider checking out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
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Summary:
Navigating the emotional aftermath of childbirth can be challenging, especially for first-time mothers. This article highlights the author’s experiences with postpartum anxiety and panic attacks following her daughter’s birth. It emphasizes the importance of seeking help, opening up, and understanding that these feelings are common among many new mothers. Through therapy and support from peers, healing is possible, allowing mothers to embrace their new roles while acknowledging their struggles.