The bright rays of midday sun poured through the windows of a beach house in North Carolina as I reflected on my childhood in the summer of 1990. “Mom?” I called out. No response. Her head was bent over a well-worn paperback, one sun-kissed hand resting on its pages. “Mother?” I noticed a bead of sweat trickling down my folded knee.
“Mom!”
“Hmmm?”
“I want to use puff paints.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Mom!”
In an instant, she was alert: “Go find your siblings and leave me alone,” she snapped, her narrowed gaze daring me to argue. In that moment, I vowed never to make my own child feel as unimportant as I had felt in that moment.
I take pride in keeping my promises, but that one? It has been broken time and again. As a mother of three, I realized that, while it hurt to feel dismissed as a child, experiencing that discomfort ultimately benefited me.
This perspective stands in stark contrast to a widely circulated saying I both admire and critique: “Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what.” This quote, attributed to Catherine M. Wallace, emphasizes the importance of being attentive. “If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t share the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
I strive to engage with my children on their level, ensuring they feel heard, yet I firmly believe that making a child think their every concern is the most important is ultimately harmful.
In her book How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims shares insights from her experience as a former dean at Stanford University. She argues that making children the center of our universe can deprive them of essential life skills. Overparenting can lead to psychological issues, as a 2015 study suggests that “overvaluing” children may contribute to narcissistic tendencies.
Lela Martin, a developmental psychologist at a San Francisco clinic, elaborates on this connection. She explains that a solid foundation for self-esteem lies in a child’s ability to navigate the world with minimal assistance. When children act out, it often stems from feelings of inadequacy. At its worst, this can lead to narcissistic disorders; even in milder forms, it produces self-centered individuals who seek constant validation.
So, what does this mean for effective parenting? Martin explains that while we want children to feel like they are the center of our world, this should only apply to infancy. Caregivers cannot meet every whim, and babies naturally learn to self-soothe, which eventually fosters independence in toddlers.
“By the time kids reach preschool or elementary school, we want them to know their wants are important, but we must also convey that their desires don’t overshadow everything else,” she emphasizes. Doing so sends the message, “You can’t manage without me.”
If children are granted every request for attention, they may struggle to understand appropriate social behavior. Setting boundaries, on the other hand, encourages children to act in ways that promote their self-worth and help them build reciprocal relationships.
Of course, Martin cautions that if a child never hears “yes,” it can lead to issues as well. The goal is to help children recognize that different people have differing priorities, and sometimes their wishes will take precedence while at other times, they won’t.
Ultimately, parenting requires balance. Parents should express love and esteem without consistently prioritizing their child’s desires in ways that hinder their development. This also applies to the parents’ own needs and the potential strain it can put on relationships.
Recently, as we boarded a flight from California to New York, my 7-year-old spotted the first-class kits. I answered her questions about their contents while we walked to our seats. Upon arriving, she asked, “Mommy, can I ask the flight attendants if they have extras?” After a brief jaunt to the rear galley, she returned disheartened. “They said they don’t have any. Can I check up front?”
“Hmm,” I murmured, pushing the bag at my feet aside and redirecting my attention to the incessant window shade activity of my 2-year-old. My oldest repeated her question as I glanced toward the quickly filling aisle. “Those bags look fun, and I understand you want one, but people need to get seated so they can head home to their families. You can’t go up there right now.”
“What? Mommy, please. Ple-ease,” she began to plead softly, escalating as my attention drifted to my 5-year-old coloring on his tray table (“But Mom, they wash off!”). I shook my head and pointed to her backpack filled with books and projects. She continued to fixate on her desire, determined to make it mine.
Finally, as we prepared for takeoff, I pulled out my Kindle. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her tense. With indignation, she declared, “You are the strictest mom in the world.”
“I know, sweetheart,” I replied. “I know.”
Because the most significant promise I made came years later, as I stood by my own mother’s side, her glistening eyes focused on my anguished face. The day my daughter was born, I vowed to be the best parent I could be—one who nurtures a child aware that their feelings, while valid, aren’t the sole focus of the world.
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In summary, being a good parent sometimes means setting limits and being perceived as “mean” to foster healthy emotional development. Balancing your child’s needs with the realities of the world is essential for raising well-adjusted individuals.