April 12, 2023
Bright sunshine, soft sand, and a chilled tropical drink in my hand… yet, tears were streaming down my face. I had been looking forward to this solo getaway for what felt like forever—my first vacation alone in 15 years—but here I was, quietly sobbing behind my shades. I sensed the emotional storm brewing but couldn’t bring myself to leave the hammock that was perfectly positioned for a stunning sunset view.
Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion. After two flights and an extended layover to reach Costa Rica, I had been awake for over 24 hours. Or maybe it was hunger—those kale chips and gluten-free snacks weren’t cutting it during my overnight journey. To top it off, I was seated next to a charming Swiss couple who were a tad too cozy with each other, their unwashed scent wafting over.
Yet, maybe these tears had a hint of joy. I was finally about to tick off a bucket list item: learning how to surf. The exhilaration was overwhelming.
Yes, a mix of fatigue, hunger, and joy was enough to bring on tears, but it didn’t explain the full-on sobbing that hit me like a freight train once I rolled out of the hammock and into my room. I collapsed onto the pristine white sheets of the king-sized bed that was mine for a week and lost it.
After years of nurturing my three daughters—sorting through their Lego chaos, offering guidance through their triumphs and setbacks, and managing their sibling and friendship dramas—I was now completely alone. And it felt oddly lonely.
In my excitement for this adventure, I hadn’t anticipated the emotional toll of being away from my daily life for such an extended period. I missed it. While I often crave solitude, using any spare moments to recharge my mental state, I had never expected to feel this way. My brief escapes and annual girlfriends’ getaway were never long enough to allow me to step fully out of “mom mode.”
Now, with a whole week away from my kids, my husband, and my home, I was in a state of panic. This was my chance to fully detach from the responsibilities of motherhood, yet I was struggling. I knew that my husband could manage just fine with the kids, and my older daughters were mostly independent. Sure, the youngest required more attention, but even she could grab her own snacks and take care of her basic needs. They were well-equipped for the week ahead.
So why was I finding it so hard to let go of home?
When my older girls were younger and the youngest hadn’t yet arrived, I was desperate for a break. Even a few solitary hours on weekends felt insufficient. The dream of a tropical retreat where I could sleep, read, and enjoy the silence seemed unattainable. I longed for that escape; I needed it.
Fast forward a decade, and I found myself living that dream—except the dream was back home. It took being thousands of miles away to realize that I no longer needed a reprieve from my life.
I didn’t miss the challenges of parenting; rather, I missed my kids—their laughter, their unique humor, and the way I understood their needs. Family life is demanding, and while it requires effort to maintain harmony, I’ve come to embrace it. I no longer feel the urge to run away. My life is filled with chaos, love, and the everyday routines that may seem mundane but are truly wonderful.
That night, I cried myself to sleep listening to the lullabies my youngest enjoys at bedtime. I woke up with puffy eyes, still missing home but eager to discover who I could be beyond the label of “Mom.” As it turns out, I’m quite the surfer.
If you’re looking for more insights into parenting and self-care, be sure to check out some of our other posts, including this one on how to navigate home insemination. For those interested in the process of home insemination, Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit is worth exploring. Also, for excellent resources on pregnancy, you can refer to Medline Plus.
In summary, sometimes we think we need a break from our roles as parents, only to discover that what we truly miss is our family. Embracing the chaos and love of motherhood is where the real joy resides.