The digital world seems indifferent to health, fixating instead on weight. It’s strange to realize that one of the greatest challenges of my adult life stemmed from a choice I made at just 13 years old. That’s when I discovered that I could avoid eating and go largely unnoticed, a tactic to keep my weight-conscious mother from realizing I was transitioning into adulthood. I wanted to evade the teenage years — my sister faced relentless scrutiny about her body — and I didn’t want to embrace my naturally curvy Greek-Italian frame. Most importantly, I wanted to keep my weight out of family conversations.
I’ve struggled with disordered eating for most of my life, and I understand how detrimental this relationship with food can be. It mirrors what I see on social media daily. In today’s world, it’s become completely normal to broadcast your exercise achievements or dietary choices, but I fail to comprehend when this obsession with diet and fitness took hold. It’s perplexing that society applauds extreme health regimens while simultaneously shaming those who carry extra weight.
Comments like “Just because the average size is 16 doesn’t make it acceptable” are rampant. While fitness achievements are celebrated, a few extra pounds can invite unsolicited health critiques from strangers online. When I was slim, my health was never questioned, even when I was fainting from malnutrition, fasting, and overexertion. My friends and family treated these incidents as jokes rather than serious health concerns, likely because I masked my struggles with humor.
This week, I reflected on my recent essay about the difficulties of finding clothing in sizes 14-16, which, ironically, is the average size for American women. The comments section was a mix of understanding and body shaming. It became clear to me that the issue wasn’t merely my weight; it was my refusal to apologize for it. How dare I seek clothes that fit my size 16 body and voice my frustration about it? Shouldn’t I be hiding in shame rather than advocating for myself?
For four years, I’ve worked to overcome the disordered behaviors that dominated my life, during which time I gained 45 pounds. The journey hasn’t been easy, especially for someone who has historically fixated on weight. I didn’t spend those years indulging without care; I was busy having my second child, moving twice, and changing careers. I faced familial and professional stresses without reverting to my former coping mechanisms.
Of course, there are moments when I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I’m human, after all, and years of negative self-image don’t vanish overnight. However, I now recognize that this fleeting self-doubt pales in comparison to the countless times I found myself crumpled in despair, wishing to disappear entirely.
After an episode of anxiety convinced me something was physically wrong, I underwent numerous medical tests. The results? I’m in perfect health. It’s curious that concern about my well-being only arose after I gained weight, even though I had years of unhealthy habits when I was thinner.
I know that I need to adopt healthier habits, like eating better and moving more, but I’m focusing on doing these things because they make me feel good, not to meet societal expectations. I now take walks to enjoy nature and eat nutritious food for my well-being, not to alter my appearance. I’ve finally reached a place of acceptance with my body, even at my heaviest, and I refuse to apologize for it.
So, to the internet physicians—don’t worry about me; I’m thriving. I have a fulfilling career, supportive friends, and a passion for sharing uplifting stories, including my own. And yes, I want clothes that fit my unique shape!
For anyone navigating similar struggles, I recommend checking out resources from the National Eating Disorder Association.
Summary
In this piece, the author reflects on her lifelong struggle with body image and disordered eating, discussing how societal pressures influence perceptions of health and weight. She emphasizes her journey toward self-acceptance, highlighting the absurdity of health concerns that arise only with weight gain. Ultimately, she asserts her right to seek well-fitting clothing and live unapologetically, regardless of societal standards.