As part of my daily routine after sending the kids off to school, I often find myself closing my daughter’s bedroom door. Each time I peek inside, it makes me feel irritable. Clothes are scattered on the floor, and papers cover her desk. I can’t help but think, “What’s her deal? Is it really that hard to toss clothes in the hamper?” This thought inevitably puts me in a bad mood.
Then I walk into my own room and instantly recognize my hypocrisy. My pajamas lay on the floor, reminding me of how messy my own space was as a child—often resembling a clothing store explosion.
I struggle with perfectionism, a part of me that often resurfaces. Sometimes I’d like to say I’m a recovering perfectionist, but the truth is, that anxious voice is still present, and it sometimes spills over into my parenting, making me cringe.
Rebecca Adams, author of “The Guide to Positive Parenting,” articulated this sentiment perfectly: “Children are often punished for simply being human. They experience grumpy moods, bad days, and challenging emotions, yet adults have them too. We should stop expecting our children to uphold a standard of perfection that we ourselves cannot achieve.”
I can’t deny my guilt in this area. There are mornings when I wake up in a foul mood. My tone is sharp, I snap at everyone, and the only reason I justify it is because I’m the parent. But do we extend the same understanding to our children?
I’m making an effort. It’s challenging to remember their humanity when tempers flare. Often, the root of a child’s bad mood is buried beneath other issues—perhaps a poor night’s sleep, bullying at school, or simply waking up in a bad mood for no clear reason. After all, they are human too.
Yet, too often, we forget this. We react with frustration, raise our voices, or, if you’re like me, withdraw from the child displaying tough emotions. The emotional rollercoaster of tweens and teens can be overwhelming.
Sometimes, I look at my little ones and see their neediness, forgetting that it’s a reflection of their humanity. They’re not trying to make my life difficult; they are navigating their own experiences and need love, support, and guidance to do so. And honestly, I have my own needs as well. If there were a title for the queen of neediness, I’d probably wear the crown.
I’ve been telling my kids that it’s okay to feel angry or upset with me, but they need to express those feelings in a healthy way. They can retreat to their room, vent into a pillow, and then we can discuss what’s bothering them once they’ve calmed down. I strive to embody the same behavior, modeling the emotional regulation I want to see in them.
I’m learning to distinguish between punishing them for normal, human behavior and for actions that are truly inappropriate. It can be exhausting to navigate the emotional landscape of family life, especially with a three-year-old throwing tantrums, a tween rolling her eyes, and a teenager who seems perpetually annoyed.
It’s crucial to remember that the children we’re raising are, in fact, just that—children. They deserve compassion for their strong emotions, and punishing them for expressing anger or frustration isn’t always the best approach.
To keep myself grounded, I ask myself a few questions:
- Is there something deeper going on with my child?
- Have I checked in with them to see what’s bothering them?
- How would I feel if I were reprimanded in the same way?
- Am I guilty of the same behavior? Would I face consequences if I were in their shoes?
One afternoon, my daughter came home upset and angry. As her attitude soured my mood, I felt tempted to send her to her room. But a gentle nudge in my heart encouraged me to connect with her instead. We sat together on the couch. Though she didn’t say much, I noticed her breathing slow and her eyes calm as she gazed out the window. What she needed was my presence, my attention.
The key takeaway here is that there isn’t a universal solution, but we must remember that our children are human too. They are not perfect, just as we aren’t. By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can foster happier family dynamics.
For more insights on this topic, check out this post and learn more about effective parenting strategies.
In summary, recognizing the humanity in ourselves and our children can lead to more compassionate parenting. By allowing space for emotions and understanding their roots, we foster a nurturing environment that promotes growth for everyone involved.