My partner, Sarah, and I had only been married for three months when she first broached the idea of starting a family. It was early 2005, and we were living in a cozy two-bedroom apartment in Provo, Utah. While we had playfully discussed having children during our dating days—imagining what they might look like and how they might behave—the notion became more serious after we tied the knot.
I had always felt a mix of emotions about parenthood. It wasn’t that I was against having children; rather, I worried that it might escalate my stress levels. Living with generalized anxiety means constantly managing your fears. You often feel a sense of dread, even if you can’t pinpoint its source.
“I think we should start trying,” Sarah said one evening as we prepared dinner.
“Trying for what?” I replied, a little caught off guard.
“To have a baby,” she clarified.
“Whoa, let’s pump the brakes,” I said. “I think we should wait.”
She pressed, asking why we needed to delay. “We love each other, right? We’re married. There’s no reason to hold off.”
While I agreed with her logic, I felt we needed more time to adjust to married life, save some money, and build a secure foundation. Truth be told, my mind was racing with thoughts of panic attacks and sleepless nights. The irrational fears that come with anxiety loomed large: what if Sarah went into labor at the worst possible moment? What if our baby cried all night long, leading to sleep deprivation and heightened anxiety?
Before marrying Sarah, it took me years to find the right combination of medication, exercise, and mindfulness to manage my anxiety. I worried that becoming a parent would undo all the progress I had made. The idea of facing setbacks terrified me.
Ultimately, it was a leap of faith to consider parenthood. I had to remind myself that I had a supportive partner who would be with me every step of the way. Fast forward a decade and three kids later, I’ve come to realize that the initial leap was just the beginning of many more.
Parenting with an anxiety disorder often means putting on a brave face when your children need you, even if you feel overwhelmed inside. It involves confronting fears head-on and seeking comfort from your partner. With each new fear that arises, you learn to manage them daily. However, the endless distractions of parenting can also divert your attention away from anxiety.
There are times when the weight of worries—about your children, job, or home—can be paralyzing. In those moments, I often need to step away and regroup with Sarah for a breather. Yet other times, my little ones will curl up on my lap, their warmth and innocence melting my anxieties away, making me question why I ever feared parenthood in the first place.
I vividly recall one night shortly after my son, Ethan, was born. At 2 a.m., Sarah nudged me awake to take my turn with the baby. Normally, I would have felt anxious and turned to medication, but this time was different. I stood in the dimly lit kitchen, cradling Ethan in my arms. As I gazed down at him, swaddled in a bear-printed blanket—the same one we took him home in—I felt a wave of calm. The sheer responsibility of nurturing this life overshadowed my anxiety.
In that moment, I resolved to not let anxiety control my life. I whispered to myself, “I will not let this dictate my actions anymore. I’ve come too far.” It was a turning point that allowed me to reclaim some control over my anxiety, fueled by thoughts of my children.
Looking ahead, I still experience anxious moments, and I remain under medical care to help manage my symptoms. However, the drive to be present for my children has made me stronger. Every time anxiety creeps in, I remind myself of my commitment to them, and I feel more empowered.
Parenting can be stressful, but it also enriches my life in ways I never anticipated. As much as anxiety can be overwhelming, the love I receive from my kids makes the journey worthwhile. It’s a delicate balance, but knowing that my responsibility to them outweighs my fears is a source of great strength.
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Summary
Parenthood can be a daunting journey, especially for those dealing with generalized anxiety disorder. However, the experience can also foster growth and strength, as love and responsibility for children often outweigh personal fears. Each day presents new challenges and opportunities to confront and manage anxiety, proving that the joys of parenthood can be profoundly rewarding.