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We Are Separated, But We Are Not Dysfunctional
by Emma Richards
Date: May 9, 2017
I tend to be quite talkative—some might even call me an oversharer. In conversations, I often find myself spilling thoughts and feelings with little filter. It’s just my nature to be open and honest, and this has sparked some fascinating discussions.
Recently, I met someone from my professional circle who inquired about my life, asking about my children and vacations—just typical small talk. When she asked if I was married, I replied, “No, but I’m still in a relationship with their dad. We’re together, just not living under the same roof.”
Her expression mirrored the confusion I often encounter; many people struggle to understand this unconventional arrangement. Given our generational differences, her concern seemed even more pronounced.
Then she said, “Well… that’s an interesting arrangement. There’s so much dysfunction for kids these days. Broken homes have become the norm with all the divorces. It feels like no one stays together anymore.”
Dysfunction—what a word to use when discussing families.
Broken—I despise that term in relation to homes.
It made me ponder: how did society come to label divorced families as “dysfunctional”? I find this notion deeply frustrating. The idea that divorce equates to dysfunction and brokenness is misleading. Sure, there can be temporary emotions or situations during a divorce, but these should not define families.
Such labels are damaging. Although they are less common now, as divorce has become widespread, using terms like “dysfunctional” and “broken” to describe families that don’t conform to traditional ideals is unacceptable. My family is not dysfunctional. My family is not broken. I refuse to let my child think otherwise. If her father and I had remained in a marriage filled with arguments, stress, and unhappiness, wouldn’t that have been the true definition of brokenness?
Now, she has two homes—she stays at one house for part of the week and the other for the remainder. Yes, there are challenges and adjustments, and we certainly had our worries when we made this significant change. But at the end of the day, she is surrounded by two parents who love her. Our family functions well despite the “divorce” label. No one is broken.
Hearts might have been hurt during the divorce process, but they are healing, and they will not remain broken. So let’s avoid calling anything broken. Our new reality is not dysfunctional. We need to abandon the unrealistic standards of perfection regarding family structures and their dynamics. Perfection doesn’t exist—everyone knows this. Let’s move beyond these stigmas.
Every family finds a way to function because they must. All of us who have experienced separation and divorce manage to navigate our new norms. None of it is easy, and much of it can be quite challenging. However, it was likely complex even in the so-called ideal version of marriage.
It’s all about redefining, not dysfunction. Not brokenness.
We recognize that children are impacted by divorce, and as parents, we are acutely aware of this. But we don’t need negative labels to emphasize it. We don’t need society to assume we simply gave up on our marriages or that it was an effortless decision. No one understands our struggles and motivations other than us.
This applies to divorced families who may have new marriages or stepchildren, too. Many of these blended families are beautiful. They don’t always fit the idyllic image of family vacations or happy gatherings, but they all strive to function as best as they can. Love prevails. Love for our children always triumphs. As parents, we make every decision with our children’s well-being in mind. The last thing we want is for them to be labeled as “broken” or “dysfunctional.”
Can we collectively do better? Can we view divorce objectively, acknowledging that families are doing the best they can at any given moment? I didn’t grow up in a divorced household, but many of my friends did, and they are thriving, fully functional individuals—not broken by their experiences.
All families are beautiful. They are unique. They all carry out their lives in some functional manner. They don’t need to be perfect; they just need love.