I recently took a break at work and found myself engrossed in an article by Ada Calhoun in the New York Times that explored the various transformations that married couples undergo over time. She makes a compelling point that while we often think the person we marry will remain constant, the reality is that we all evolve, and it’s essential to embrace that change.
One particular paragraph struck me: “Several long-married individuals I know have expressed a similar sentiment: ‘I’ve experienced at least three marriages, all with the same person.’” This resonated with me, as I reflected on the different phases my partner, Jenna, and I have navigated together: our carefree 20s, child-focused 30s, and now our home-owning 40s.
When Jenna and I first tied the knot, we were vastly different people. Thirteen years, three kids, and three college degrees later, we’ve both transformed significantly. At 21, I couldn’t type, had never read a book, and my ambitions revolved around professional mountain biking and tattoos. Fast-forward to now, I hold a graduate degree, work at a university, and have traded my bike for a minivan, complete with a wardrobe of cargo shorts and work polos. We often joke that if my younger self met my current self, the younger version would have no hesitation in confronting me.
Jenna has evolved as well. When we first met, she had just completed her associate’s degree and was eager to start a family. Today, she holds a bachelor’s degree, works in an elementary school, and has adopted a vegetarian lifestyle.
Our journey together has been one of mutual growth. We now share similar styles, sporting large-framed glasses and enjoying the same romantic comedies. Yet, the changes we’ve experienced over the years often left me reflecting on Calhoun’s insights.
Jenna and I have traversed phases akin to those she described, though we didn’t always move in sync. At times, it felt like I was still reveling in a social phase while Jenna was ready to settle down. Early in our marriage, we clashed over my desire to hang out with friends and attend concerts, which led to tension around my responsibilities as a husband and father.
Once I began to adapt, I entered a “finish college” phase, while Jenna was focused on being home with the kids. Now, we’re both in the stage of owning a home and concentrating on our children. The ups and downs of these transitions have led to numerous arguments, but they have also helped us discover how to coexist happily.
A TED Talk by Dan Gilbert once emphasized how people often underestimate the extent to which they and their preferences will change over a decade. Gilbert noted, “People believe that the friends they have now will be the same friends they’ll have in ten years, yet those who are ten years older often reflect, ‘Well, that’s really changed.’” His key takeaway was that time is a formidable force that reshapes our values and personalities, a fact we often only appreciate in hindsight.
This phenomenon can create challenges in marriage. I mistakenly thought that Jenna and I would remain largely unchanged, with the same friends and interests. I anticipated we would age and our appearances would shift, but I never considered the fundamental changes in our values and perspectives.
Looking back to our wedding day, my priorities have dramatically shifted. I no longer prioritize tattoos; instead, I’m focused on making our mortgage payment. Attending concerts has given way to ensuring I can make it to my son’s soccer practice. The desire to appear “cool” has been replaced with the practicality of driving a minivan.
The notion that the person you marry is a fixed entity is misleading. It’s a misconception that can hinder the early stages of marriage. In jest, I used to tell friends that a realistic long-term investment meant envisioning your spouse with gray hair and extra weight. However, over a decade into our marriage, I realize it’s much more intricate. It requires imagining your partner embracing new beliefs, hobbies, or lifestyle changes — such as knitting or marathon running — all while hoping they will reciprocate your support for their growth.
I wish someone had advised me early on that change is not just acceptable; it’s a healthy part of a relationship. I may be married three times to the same woman, but that’s not only normal; it’s vital for personal growth.
Dan Gilbert concluded his TED Talk with a poignant statement: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” This idea rings true for marriage as well: we are all evolving, and so is our partnership.
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In summary, our relationships evolve significantly over time, and it’s crucial to embrace the changes that come with them. The journey of marriage is not just about enduring together but growing alongside one another.