I find myself in an unexpected role: I am a stay-at-home dad. Honestly, I never thought I would be typing those words. First off—wait, I have a child?! And I’m not working? What exactly am I doing with my time?
To give you some context, my partner and I took a trip to the Dominican Republic for a short getaway about 13 months ago. A few caipirinhas and a Zika scare later, we became the exhausted parents of a joyful and healthy 4-month-old daughter.
Having observed many friends navigate parenthood over the last couple of decades, I felt somewhat prepared for what lay ahead. To back up that confidence, we enrolled in delivery classes, CPR sessions, and basic baby care workshops. I might unintentionally hinder my child’s emotional or intellectual growth, but at least she’ll have a steady oxygen supply and a clean diaper.
With a due date of January 2, the final trimester coincided beautifully with the hectic holiday season. Life settled into a chaotic mix of anticipation and anxiety. The sense of urgency was undeniable—no refunds, no time-outs, no do-overs. As my baby surpassed the 6-pound mark in the womb, her chubby cheeks were revealed through each sonogram.
Then came the surprising news from my employer: the department was being offered a buyout. The opportunity to leave my job voluntarily and receive compensation according to my years of service was surreal, yet incredibly timely. My years of procrastination in job searching were about to pay off just as my first child was about to arrive. I had to seize it. I would essentially be compensated to be a stay-at-home dad during the early months of my daughter’s life.
Now, four months into this role, I can’t imagine handing her off to someone else. I consider myself fortunate; my partner is incredibly accomplished and earns a substantial salary. But could I really transition into being an unpaid stay-at-home dad?
At this point, financial concerns aren’t the primary issue—it’s all about perception. I’d like to believe I’ve matured since high school, that I no longer care about the opinions of other men. But societal expectations around gender roles are hard to shake. Traditionally, men work and provide.
Still, it’s 2017, and much of this stigma is self-imposed. My father and my partner’s father—both quintessential “men’s men”—are supportive. My male friends seem unfazed, although they occasionally tease about my manhood or whether their taxes are funding my extended vacation (they’re not, by the way).
Living in Brooklyn, I recently encountered three other stay-at-home dads in a CVS. We exchanged silent nods, acknowledging our shared experience in navigating societal stereotypes.
So why does it bother me when an old shopkeeper asks if it’s my day off? Or when someone apologizes upon learning I’m not at my job anymore (it was a choice!)? Or simply when anyone gives me “the look” after I mention I’m a stay-at-home dad? Feeling defensive about it might be a hallmark of my insecurities, but what’s the point?
After a day filled with nurturing and caring for my daughter, when my partner arrives home from a long day at work, I finally breathe a sigh of relief. I greet her with a kiss, crack open a beer, and don my apron to prepare dinner (yes, I enjoy cooking). Watching my partner reconnect with our daughter, with our dog happily wagging along, everything feels right.
This role is the most significant thing I’ve ever done, or will ever do. I always knew it on some level, but when my daughter wakes up each morning, greeting me with her toothless, wide-eyed smile, my priorities become crystal clear. I’ve left behind the world of profit and loss statements. It’s my duty to pave a path for her that is free from my own baggage. How do I instill in her the courage to be fearless? To be kind? To disregard others’ opinions, while still being respectful?
She carries half of my DNA, although she has the unfortunate luck of inheriting about 85% of my looks. One day, she’ll be all that remains of me, and I will send a compassionate, non-serial killer into the world to make it a better place.
So, to anyone who continues to question my choices or wonders what I do with my time—whether those voices are real or imagined—leave me be. I’m busy.
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Summary
This article discusses the author’s unexpected journey as a stay-at-home dad, reflecting on societal perceptions and personal growth. He embraces his role and highlights the importance of nurturing his daughter while managing the challenges that come with gender expectations.