A few weeks back, my son, Max, went on a field trip to the state museum. When I arrived to pick him up, his teacher approached me with a story. They had been given stone shards to carve into arrowheads, and Max had received a particularly large one. A little girl sitting next to him expressed her hope that there would be another big shard left for her. Without a moment’s hesitation, my son handed his shard to her.
I share this story not just to highlight Max’s generosity but also to remind myself that I am nurturing a child who, when given the chance, chooses compassion and kindness. He instinctively wants to share, uplift, and create joyful memories for others, even at his own expense. I have no doubt that this little girl will remember Max’s act of kindness and may someday pay it forward.
While this reflects part of Max’s innate personality—he is sensitive, empathetic, and sometimes easily affected by his emotions—many might label him as “too soft.” They might suggest he needs some “tough love” to prepare him for the harsh realities of life. But I firmly reject this notion. I refuse to pressure him into hardening himself for the so-called “real world.”
My own childhood was filled with messages urging me to toughen up, to remain silent about significant issues that warranted expression. We’ve all been there, being told to simply cope while our feelings are brushed aside. That doesn’t serve anyone well.
I strive for a different kind of dialogue with my children. This doesn’t mean allowing them to whine endlessly over minor disappointments, like not getting the biggest slice of cake at a party. Instead, it’s about encouraging them to express their emotions—whether they are hurt, sad, angry, or happy. I believe in addressing feelings head-on and processing them in a healthy manner. Bottling them up only leads to resentment.
We have the power to raise children who are not only kind and compassionate but also understand that expressing emotions is a strength, not a weakness. When we volunteer, donate, or simply show kindness, our kids absorb these lessons. They also notice when we dismiss their feelings by telling them to toughen up or shake off something that genuinely bothers them. When they come to us with their concerns—no matter how trivial they may seem—it’s essential that we acknowledge their struggles and guide them through it. By creating safe spaces for emotional expression, we enable them to cope without repression. The more we practice this, the better our children will become at navigating their feelings.
Life is filled with challenges, and our children will undoubtedly encounter hardship. As a parent, my goal is to help them learn how to handle difficult situations in a constructive manner—not to teach them to absorb blows without flinching or to conform to outdated notions of masculinity. Such lessons send the wrong message—that there’s shame in feeling deeply, which only leads to unhealthy emotional outbursts later on.
If children are taught to suppress their feelings, they may struggle to empathize with others. It becomes a cycle of learned behavior that inhibits compassion. When we foster kids who willingly offer love and kindness, because they know what it feels like to be cared for, we provide a valuable gift to the world. It all starts with allowing a friend to have the bigger arrowhead, simply out of kindness.
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In summary, I’m committed to raising my kids with an emphasis on emotional honesty and kindness, rather than teaching them to toughen up. This approach, I believe, will not only serve them well in life but will also create a more compassionate world around them.