We’re currently navigating a challenging stage in our household. My eldest child is at an age where expectations are rising, while my younger ones continue to enjoy the benefits of being “too little” for many responsibilities. I truly believe this transition is a legitimate phase—please tell me it’s not just some parenting conundrum I’ve invented to rationalize our current situation.
The other evening, while I was tidying up after serving strawberries with a sprinkle of “magic dust” (which, upon reflection, sounds suspiciously like a street name for an illicit substance), I called out to my sons to tidy up the mountain of pillows they had built between their beds.
“Can you boys help clean up, please?” I asked.
This is a standard request in our home. If you create a mess, you’re expected to help clean it. On this particular night, however—perhaps due to the post-weekend slump or exhaustion from an intense football match with their dad—the boys resisted.
“We don’t want to!”
“Will you help us?”
“We’re going to use it again tomorrow!”
Even though my instinct was to respond with a firm “I don’t care!” and “Absolutely not!”, I paused and realized I had made a classic parenting mistake. I had asked them if they could help, turning a non-negotiable request into a question, which they promptly answered in a way I didn’t want.
Typically, our approach is more straightforward. We say something like, “I need you to help clear the table, please.” If they protest, we give them a choice: “Do you want to clear the plates or the cups?” This provides them with a sense of agency while still requiring them to follow our directions.
When we present “You can…” instead of “Can you…”, we offer them two acceptable outcomes. This keeps the atmosphere positive and prevents anyone from feeling like they’ve lost in the negotiation. While we still encounter some resistance, tantrums, and drawn-out complaints, we usually manage to reach a resolution with minimal fuss.
Because we’ve practiced this method consistently, our children understand that we will never offer choices that aren’t in their best interest—laying the groundwork for trusting our judgment during those tricky teenage years when they face decisions about parties and peer pressure.
I don’t have scientific evidence backing this method, but it stands to reason that empowering kids to make safe choices from an early age will equip them for young adulthood and beyond. Of course, this process needs to unfold in a loving, supportive environment—something that goes without saying.
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In summary, avoiding certain phrases in parenting can foster a more positive environment for children, encouraging them to make choices while still adhering to household rules.