It was Mother’s Day, outside a small church, when I had my own unexpected moment. My partner was unwell at home, leaving me to wrangle our three well-dressed children. After an hour spent trying to keep them entertained with stickers, treats, and gentle threats, I finally ushered them outside into the lovely morning. As I adjusted their outfits, a woman in her sixties approached me. She was chatty, lacked a filter, and seemed to believe we were thrilled to see her.
“They look adorable in those suits!” she exclaimed. “And you’re expecting another one!”
“Excuse me?” I replied, realizing she assumed I was pregnant. “No!” I said, a bit too loudly. “I’ve actually lost quite a bit of weight recently. I am not pregnant.”
She quickly backed off, raising her hands defensively. “Oh, I was just surprised. It’s the way the dress drapes,” she stammered before leaving me in peace.
Now I have to get rid of this dress, I thought. Thanks a lot, church lady.
Like this woman, you might wonder when it’s appropriate to ask someone about a possible pregnancy. Just because you notice a woman’s belly isn’t flat or see a healthy glow in her cheeks doesn’t mean you should say anything. The key takeaway is: it’s only acceptable to mention a pregnancy if the woman herself has brought it up first.
Unless you’re witnessing the actual birth, with a baby making its grand entrance, you really shouldn’t comment on her situation. Until you see the amniotic sac, any speculation about a pregnancy is simply none of your business.
She may have a “food baby” instead of an actual baby. No one wants to be reminded that their post-meal fullness is being mistaken for a pregnancy. A woman might be trying to manage that food baby or, even better, she might love it just the way it is. The last thing she wants is for someone to confuse it with an actual fetus.
Moreover, a woman may carry the marks of past pregnancies, from stretch marks to the remnants of childbirth. If you were to comment on her “expected bundle of joy,” you might bring up painful memories or emotional scars. If she’s postpartum, she may feel deeply hurt by your comments, especially if she’s made efforts to look her best.
If you’re a family member or close friend, consider this: you are in no position to inquire about a possible pregnancy. Pressuring her with questions like “Are you pregnant yet?” can be incredibly frustrating. That word “yet” can make any woman feel like she’s under a microscope.
In reality, only a few individuals have the right to inquire about a woman’s pregnancy status. These include her partner, who obviously has a vested interest; a medical professional, who needs to ensure the health of both mother and child; or an X-ray technician, who must rule out any potential risks to a developing fetus. And let’s be honest, if a doctor is asking, they probably already have the relevant information in their notes.
Unless you find yourself in a scenario where a woman is actively delivering a child, it doesn’t matter how her body looks. No one has the right to suggest she’s pregnant unless she herself decides to share that news. The recommended response to any unsolicited comments about her body is clear: “You have no right to comment on my body.”
And if you’re feeling particularly bold, a swift punch to the throat might just drive the point home.
This article first appeared on May 28, 2017.
For more insights, check out our posts on home insemination at Intracervical Insemination and Make a Mom’s BabyMaker Kit. For additional information on pregnancy and home insemination, Progyny offers excellent resources.
Summary
It’s crucial to remember that unless a woman explicitly shares her pregnancy news, no one should comment on her body or ask if she’s expecting. Speculation can lead to discomfort, and inquiries are best left to those with a legitimate reason to ask.