In my first group therapy session, I sat among a diverse group of women united by a shared struggle: eating disorders. At the age of 22, I had already faced these challenges for several years. One woman in the group, who was a mother, profoundly impacted me. As she recounted her experience of binging and purging while her child looked on, I found myself rolling my eyes in disbelief. How could she let her addiction take precedence over her child’s well-being? I thought to myself, “Get your life in order before bringing a child into this world!”
Reflecting on that moment, I realize how naive and harsh my judgment was. Fast forward over a decade, and I found myself pregnant with my first child, still grappling with the same demons. Despite the life growing inside me, my eating disorder often overpowered my will to resist. The guilt and shame were overwhelming; I felt like the worst possible mother, convinced that my struggles could lead to dire consequences for my baby.
Every day was a battle. My inner dialogue was relentless, filled with harsh criticisms: “You are unworthy. You don’t deserve this baby or happiness.” As new parents, we often prepare meticulously for the arrival of a child—reading books, setting up nurseries, installing car seats. Unfortunately, I entered motherhood while still entrenched in my eating disorder, naïvely believing that motherhood would somehow resolve my addiction.
After my child was born, my inner critic intensified. My focus shifted to losing weight as quickly as possible, driven by societal pressures to “bounce back” post-pregnancy. I yearned to be one of those mothers who effortlessly shed baby weight and posed confidently in swimwear just months after giving birth. The reality, however, was that I was a new mom still ensnared by an eating disorder that had loomed over my life for nearly two decades. I felt lost and questioned if I would ever find my way back to a healthy self.
Fortunately, there is a positive development to share. Years into motherhood, I have begun to heal from my eating disorder. While it wasn’t parenthood itself that triggered this transformation, it was the realization of where my energy was best spent. Juggling two toddlers, a job, and home responsibilities left me with limited energy, gradually shifting my focus away from food obsession to my children and family life.
I still hear that nagging voice occasionally, particularly in situations involving food or when I step on the scale. The anxiety resurfaces, especially regarding the weight I gained during my second pregnancy. Yet, I now choose to step away from the scale and embrace my family. I hug my children and hold my partner’s hand. These moments are where my energy belongs, and I finally understand what it means to feel truly at home.
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In conclusion, while the journey through motherhood can be fraught with challenges, including battling an eating disorder, it is possible to find healing and redefine one’s priorities. Recognizing the importance of family can help shift focus away from past struggles and lead to a more fulfilling life.