Parenting
By Jamie Parker
Updated: March 11, 2018
Originally Published: September 23, 2017
Some parents dream of having just one child, while others can’t conceive again or choose not to adopt. Then there are those families who initially intended to have multiple kids but realize after their first that they feel complete. I don’t quite fit any of those molds. In my mind, I always envisioned having two or three kids. But I also imagined having a partner by my side through the chaos. While conceiving wasn’t easy, I went through IVF using a donor and managed to welcome my amazing little guy into the world. Now, though, bringing another child into our lives isn’t feasible or responsible.
So here I am, likely to be a “one and done” mom. I adore my son more than I ever thought possible, and while I feel I have so much more love to give, especially in the midst of his delightful toddler antics (and his teething troubles), it’s bittersweet. I thought I had come to terms with not having a partner to share this journey with long before my son arrived. What I didn’t anticipate was the weight of being a single parent.
I had no idea how incredible the experience of pregnancy would be or how overwhelming it would feel to fall in love with my child again and again as he grows. I yearn to share all the wonderful things about life with him—to see the world through his curious eyes. I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I see my friends with their siblings or hear about my nephew bonding with his younger sister and cousin. I never realized just how much I was meant to be a mom.
Maybe I’m feeling a little down because I’m starting to wean, and those hormonal shifts are hitting me hard. Or maybe I’m concerned about raising an only child, as I didn’t grow up with one myself and don’t know many now. It’s a bit daunting to think about how different our family dynamic might be. Seeing my friends, including other single moms, trying for more kids only adds to the nostalgia, and yes, a touch of envy.
The reality is, I’m already beginning to realize how quickly my little guy is moving through his stages, and while I love watching him grow, I’m saddened to say goodbye to those sweet baby moments. He has a lifetime of milestones ahead: his first sentence, bike ride, potty training, and the first day of school. If I had a second child, I’d once again experience those stages but at a pace that feels too fast. I can’t shake the thought that everyone should get to experience parenting at least twice; perhaps the second time around, I’d savor those fleeting moments more.
The chances of having a second child for me are as slim as winning the lottery, which is probably what it would take. That realization stings, and it does sadden me. Yet, recognizing this while my son is still little gives me the opportunity to truly cherish every moment we share. There’s no “next time” for me, just this time, just the two of us. And we’ll make the most of it.
Still, I can’t resist playing the lottery every now and then—just in case!