So, you’re the partner of a stay-at-home parent? Like many modern families, you likely find yourself juggling the demands of work and family life. The days of the stereotypical dad coming home, kicking back, and leaving all childcare duties to his partner are long gone. So, let’s assume you, the Partner of a Stay-at-Home Parent (or POSAHP for short), are genuinely engaged and striving to support your stay-at-home spouse.
I’m fortunate to have an incredible POSAHP in my life. He’s not just hands-on with the kids; he’s also an exceptional cook (think mouthwatering spaghetti, folks). But even if you’re a stellar POSAHP, there are aspects of life as a stay-at-home parent that can be hard for you to grasp. While I can’t speak for every stay-at-home parent out there, I imagine many share similar frustrations that can drive anyone to the brink by the end of the week (or even by Tuesday). Here are four key truths to consider:
1. We Crave Time Away from the Kids
I get it—when you work full-time, your to-do list at home can feel overwhelming. You might think about mowing the lawn, organizing the garage, or tackling other chores. But I can assure you that what your stay-at-home partner really desires is a break from the kids. You may have noticed how they practically shove the kids your way the moment you walk through the door.
Being a stay-at-home parent is challenging in a way that’s difficult to articulate. It’s not the high-stakes tension of a trading floor or the pressure of performing surgery. Instead, it’s a constant, draining grind. Want to wash your face? Great! But your toddler has just dumped the trash all over the bathroom. Attempting to eat lunch? Good luck, as the baby wants to be picked up, put down, and then back up again—all while demanding your food.
Everything is a struggle, every single day. It might not seem monumental, but the cumulative effect can be utterly exhausting. So, POSAHP, please keep this in mind. Talk with your stay-at-home partner about their needs and yours, and focus on what really matters so they can find a little much-needed me time.
2. If the House Looks the Same, We’ve Been Busting Our Bums
There’s always a base level of chaos in my house. I’m not talking about a scene from a reality show; it’s just that no matter how often I tidy up, toys end up on the floor, and random items get scattered around.
A less enlightened partner might stroll in and wonder, “What on earth have you been doing all day?” But while you’ve been out, your stay-at-home partner has been cleaning up after a dozen messes. Those Play-Doh containers? Opened for four minutes before they turned into a neon pink disaster scattered across the floor.
When you come home, you may not see the countless mini-disasters that have been dealt with, so be kind and hold off on judgment.
3. Getting Anything Done Is Nearly Impossible
As I try to prepare dinner, my baby is determined to pull every dish towel out of the drawer. When I finally get around to sorting out the clothes that no longer fit my son, the kids discover a tear in a stuffed animal and proceed to create a stuffing blizzard in the living room.
Every task completed seems to spawn a new one. You might wonder about naptime. Sure, some stay-at-home parents have kids who nap like champs, but many—myself included—often use that time to work, making it less of a break and more of a balancing act.
Even if your partner doesn’t work outside the home and has napping children, they’re probably exhausted (see Truth No. 1). If they haven’t managed to tackle the regrouting of the bathroom by the time you get home, give them a break.
4. We’re the Default Caregivers, Even When You’re Home
There’s an interesting dynamic at play. Without even realizing it, I’ve become the primary caregiver by default, even when my husband is around. If I need to do something solo, like throw in a load of laundry without a toddler attached to my leg, I have to make arrangements. It could just be a simple request like, “Hey, can you keep an eye on the kids while I handle this?”
This may not sound like a big deal, but it has a significant impact. The loss of flexibility can be subtly draining for stay-at-home parents. You can likely just announce that you’re taking a shower, and it’s assumed the kids will be cared for. For a stay-at-home parent, that small luxury can feel monumental. Please be aware of this and try to accommodate whenever possible.
Now, if you’re reading this as a single parent or as someone whose partner works full-time, you might think, “Here we go, another stay-at-home parent lamenting their struggles.” But parenting is challenging for everyone, and it’s not a competition about who has it worse. I’m sharing what I know: the trials of stay-at-home parents. Understanding each other can make this parenting journey a little easier for all.
For more insights on the topic, check out our related post on intracervical insemination and for resources on pregnancy, visit March of Dimes.
Summary: Being the partner of a stay-at-home parent requires understanding the unique challenges they face daily. From the exhaustion of constant caregiving to the struggle for productivity and the default responsibility that comes with the role, it’s essential to communicate, support, and recognize the hard work that goes into making a home.