Let’s just get this out of the way: I used to despise therapy. In my mind, it was a cliché fest. “Oh, we’re diving into my childhood trauma? How original.” Seriously, can we skip the whole childhood drama? And of course, there was the inevitable discussion about my parents’ divorce—how shocking! I thought my best friends, a good bottle of wine, and the occasional yoga session sufficed as my therapy. I was fine, right? Wrong.
Turns out, when you claim to be “fine,” you’re usually anything but. It’s a word that masks the chaos beneath. I considered myself a functioning adult, convinced that I had left my childhood baggage behind. But the truth is, trauma doesn’t just vanish; it lingers in your bones and influences your behavior, especially in parenting. Just because I appeared to have it all together didn’t mean I wasn’t secretly a hot mess.
Looking back, I should’ve sought therapy ages ago. I should’ve reached out when I felt overwhelmed post-baby or when my marriage was on the rocks—both the first and second time. I should’ve asked for help when I was losing my cool with my toddlers, expecting them to behave like little adults while I unleashed my frustrations on them. That realization stings, but I avoided seeking help until I hit rock bottom.
After a week of drowning my sorrows in booze, culminating in a tearful breakdown and my husband pouring champagne and vodka down the sink, I finally admitted I needed professional help. My sanity, marriage, and job were slipping away, and it was terrifying to feel so out of control.
A friend recommended a therapist, and as soon as I picked up the phone, my ego crumbled. I felt exposed and vulnerable, which was uncomfortable yet oddly liberating. I no longer had to bear my burdens alone.
Talking to my husband about my struggles was difficult; he had a blissful childhood and couldn’t grasp my experiences. My parents were equally unapproachable, too entwined in those painful memories themselves. They were from a generation that preferred sweeping problems under the rug, even the heavy stuff.
I was fortunate to connect with my therapist right away. She was the kind of help I desperately needed during my turbulent teenage years and after becoming a mother. I suspect I dealt with postpartum depression that went unnoticed. I could’ve really used her support while navigating the rocky terrain of my marriage.
Our first session was an emotional rollercoaster. I felt embarrassed to cry in front of a stranger, but she validated my feelings without judgment. She helped me uncover the patterns in my life, revealing that the trauma I inherited from my ancestors shaped my reality. While it wasn’t my fault, it became my responsibility to break the cycle.
Therapy quickly integrated into my self-care routine, alongside exercise, nutritious meals, trendy face masks, and nightly reading. It became a vital part of my life, allowing me to nurture myself and, consequently, my children. I often compare my struggles to others and feel like mine are insignificant, but I learned that trauma doesn’t have to be extreme to warrant professional help. It can accumulate over time or even arise from generational issues.
The hardest truth is that unhealthy patterns can trickle down to our kids. I realized I had to stop perpetuating a cycle of trauma. I couldn’t hide in work, house chores, or alcohol anymore. I had to confront my issues. It’s easy to get lost in distractions—shopping, sex, or any addiction you can think of—but I discovered that true fulfillment came from connecting with my children. The desire to build that bond was instinctual and beautiful, and I hoped it wasn’t too late.
I often worry: Was I too late? Did I irreparably damage them? The future is uncertain, but I can focus on taking care of myself and them now. I won’t stop trying.
For more insights on this journey, you might find this post from our blog helpful. If you’re considering starting a family, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination, and explore options for an at-home insemination syringe kit to assist in your journey.
Summary:
Therapy has been transformative for me as a mom, helping me confront past traumas and improve my parenting. Initially dismissive of therapy, I realized that personal struggles can affect familial relationships and that seeking help is vital. Through therapy, I’ve learned to break the cycle of trauma for my children. Now, I prioritize self-care and connection with my kids, hopeful that it’s not too late to build a healthier family dynamic.