I have a truth to share, one that is all too familiar and resonates with many. It’s a story that echoes in the lives of countless others, happening far too often in our world.
My first encounter with intimacy was assault at the tender age of 14. Three individuals were involved, one of whom was an adult. I won’t delve into the wreckage I faced in the aftermath of that traumatic night; many of you reading this understand that pain all too well.
I kept my secret hidden, confiding only in my best friend, who was just a kid herself. She held me tight as I wept, unsure of how to help. I expressed my anguish through the scars on my skin and the long-sleeved shirts I wore to hide them. My young mind replayed the incident on a loop, struggling to make sense of it, but the outcome never changed.
Eventually, I grew weary of the war raging within me and the scars marking my body. I grew tired of the haunting words that echoed in my mind, “Don’t worry. We do this all the time.” Anger bubbled within me, transforming into courage. I vowed that I would not let them ruin another life.
So, I found my voice.
I shared my story with a male school counselor, a male police officer, a male district attorney, and even a male defense attorney. I recounted my experience to a jury, mostly composed of men. And do you know what they told me?
“Write it all down. We need details.” “What were you wearing?” as if my gray hoodie and jeans were an invitation. “Why didn’t you scream? Fight back?”
Not one of them asked, “Why didn’t they respect you?” But I wasn’t afraid anymore. I stood tall, sharing my truth with strangers, only to be met with disbelief. All three perpetrators walked free.
Can you imagine what that does to a young girl? It screams that she doesn’t matter, that her pain is irrelevant. And that belief can shadow her life, creating a narrative of shame.
She shares her story with a male psychiatrist after a suicide attempt. She tells it to every man she finds herself with, seeking love or something close. She recounts it to a male therapist who crosses boundaries, and to a partner who inflicts pain while claiming it’s love. She narrates it to herself countless times a day, but the ending never changes.
Yet, she persists. With claws and grit, she nurtures a flicker of hope that they couldn’t snuff out. She pushes through the waves of healing and setbacks, often alone.
Then, in a beautiful twist of fate, she meets a man who takes her hands and says, “I see you. I love you. You didn’t deserve this.” Some days she believes him, but on others, the shadows whisper differently.
With resilience and love, she grows into a mother of sons, determined to raise them to be different, to change the narrative. Then she becomes a mother to a daughter, and the past floods back, raw and painful.
How can I protect her from this reality? How can I shield her from becoming another statistic? I wish I had the answers. We live in a world where men can assault and laugh it off, where they can grope and issue half-hearted apologies, and where some walk free despite multiple allegations.
What does this mean for those of us with broken hearts? Even as we grow, the message remains: we don’t matter. We never did. We never will.
So what’s next? What can we do with our silent, painful stories? I believe we need to share them. Shout them out until the world hears us. Stand together, raising our heads high.
We need to tell each other: You, who were dismissed. You, who were not believed. You, who suffered without justice. You, who kept a light flickering inside. You, who worry for your daughters. You are not alone in this fight for self-acceptance and peace. You are not alone in this world of injustice. You are not alone in your healing journey.
You have always deserved to rise, and I will continue to speak this truth every day, in myriad ways, until the world listens. I will hold your hand and lift you up, too, until you are seen and heard.
I’ll embrace my daughter tightly, not out of fear for her future, but in solidarity as we rise together. While we may not change our pasts, we can ensure our stories inspire change in the world.
#survivor