5 Phrases to Avoid When Supporting a Mother with a Chronic Illness, Plus One Helpful Suggestion

Navigating conversations with a mother dealing with a chronic illness can be challenging, especially for those who haven’t experienced it themselves. For example, when a friend catches a cold, the supportive gestures come easily: a text message to uplift their spirits, a meal delivery service, or offering to watch their kids for a while. However, for mothers combating chronic conditions—like myself with chronic Lyme disease—responses can often miss the mark.

Having lived with this illness since I was 13, I can attest to the feeling of isolation that often accompanies chronic health challenges. There’s a palpable disconnect with other mothers who may not fully grasp the daily struggles we face. Simple tasks, such as retrieving laundry from the washer, can become monumental on flare-up days. Driving, even for a quick trip to the store, can be daunting due to neurological symptoms that complicate concentration. Even the heat can be a trigger, making outdoor playdates impossible when temperatures rise above 79 degrees.

Most individuals genuinely want to provide support but often stumble in their attempts. Below are five comments to steer clear of when speaking to a mother dealing with chronic illness, along with one positive alternative.

1. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better!”

This phrase can be particularly disheartening on days when I’m struggling to stand. Chronic illnesses can be invisible, leading many to assume that if we look fine, we’re feeling fine. Instead, it’s more considerate to ask how your friend is really doing, rather than making superficial assumptions based on appearances.

2. “When do you plan to return to work?”

Having had to leave my position as a teacher due to my health conditions, I receive this question all too often. It’s a painful reminder of my lost career. Instead of inquiring about work, consider asking how they are managing their health. If they express challenges, avoid bringing up employment unless you share a deep connection.

3. “Let me know if you need anything.”

While well-meaning, this statement can come off as empty. Mothers with chronic health issues often require assistance, so it’s better to specify how you can help. For instance, saying, “I’d be happy to run errands for you on Wednesdays,” shows genuine commitment and can be uplifting.

4. “At least you get to stay home with your child.”

This comment often arises when a mother is forced to stay home due to health issues. While it is a blessing to spend time with my child, the inability to choose my circumstances is a source of frustration. It’s better to discuss neutral topics or engage in light-hearted conversation instead.

5. “When are you having another baby?”

This question can be sensitive territory. Expanding a family is not a straightforward decision for someone managing a chronic illness. Approach this topic with caution, and only if you share a close relationship.

This list is not exhaustive and may not resonate with every individual, as responses vary widely based on personal triggers. It’s crucial to be mindful of how our words can impact others. If you feel uncertain about what to say, focus on providing tangible support or asking thoughtful questions over time. The essence of friendship lies in our actions and willingness to be there for others in need.

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Summary:

Navigating conversations with mothers facing chronic illnesses can be challenging. Avoid making assumptions about their health, work, or family planning. Instead, offer specific assistance and engage in meaningful conversations that respect their experiences. Genuine support and understanding can foster deeper connections.