Adoption can be fraught with challenges, and our journey began more as a struggle than a fairy tale. Although it’s tempting to gloss over the rough patches, I want to share our authentic experience.
In 2011, we welcomed our son into our family from Ethiopia. As hopeful adoptive parents, I believed I had thoroughly prepared by researching reputable adoption agencies and asking the right questions. I devoured every book on international adoption available, attended seminars on attachment and development, and connected with countless experienced adoptive families. My partner and I even changed agencies after uncovering ethical concerns. When we received the referral—documenting our match with our son—we made a point to meet his biological father in Ethiopia before finalizing the adoption.
However, once we took custody, things quickly began to unravel. Our son’s adjustment to our family came with overwhelming fear and anxiety. It felt as though he was fighting for his life. Many sleepless nights followed, and I vividly remember a moment of despair in the shower, sobbing on the floor, unsure of how to face another day. We reached out to other adoptive parents and sought guidance from reputable therapists and physicians, only to receive the same grim diagnosis: reactive attachment disorder, or RAD.
The prognosis for our son’s future seemed dire. Several specialists urged us to consider rehoming him or even institutionalizing him. He was just four years old! Luckily, my incredibly supportive mother inspired me to trust my instincts and advocate fiercely for my son. I will forever be grateful for her encouragement. What he needed most was unwavering love and support—someone to stand by him during this tumultuous time.
With the love of family, friends, teachers, and therapists, our son gradually began to blossom into the remarkable individual he had always been at heart. As he gained confidence and improved his English, he revealed that he believed his biological mother was still alive. His vivid descriptions broke my heart; I wondered if we had missed something crucial in our preparations. It was a moment of reckoning, and I understood why he had been struggling—he was fighting for a reason.
I had heard stories of families returning to Ethiopia to connect with biological relatives, so I started researching. Eventually, I discovered a private investigator who had successfully helped other families find their biological connections. After providing him with the necessary information from our son’s paperwork, we entered a waiting period filled with anxiety. If our son was right, what would we do? Would we reverse the adoption? Would it even be feasible?
Then came the long-awaited email. When I opened it, I found photographs of our son’s biological family, including a woman who appeared to be his mother. Upon seeing the images, our son immediately shut the laptop. When I asked if he was alright, he revealed that the woman in the photo was indeed his biological mom. His tears were a testament to the deep emotions he was experiencing.
In that moment, I recognized my own selfishness. My fears dissipated, replaced by the urgency to support my son in reconnecting with his family, no matter the implications for our relationship. His love for them was undeniable, and I would not deny him that.
I maintained contact with the investigator, allowing us to exchange letters and photos with our son’s biological family. This correspondence provided my son with the opportunity to ask the difficult questions he needed answers to, even though it required navigating sensitive topics and language barriers. This individual, despite being miles away, played a significant role in facilitating our son’s healing journey.
In 2016, this investigator became a dear friend as he welcomed my son and me to Ethiopia. We embarked on a lengthy journey to his family’s village, overcoming numerous obstacles along the way. The effort was well worth it. This trip was life-changing, and I hope to make it again for my son’s sake.
The outpouring of love my son received upon returning to his village was breathtaking. Friends, relatives, and neighbors rushed to embrace him, showering him with affection and prayers. The most poignant moment was when he and his biological mother reunited after six long years. He had many questions for his biological parents, the foremost being the reason behind their adoption decision. Their answer was straightforward: they wanted to provide him with a better life, with hopes of education and opportunities beyond the poverty they faced. Most importantly, they loved him.
My son returned from Ethiopia with a profound sense of belonging, connected to not just one family, but two. We established plans for ongoing communication through letters, photos, and hopefully, future phone calls. He dreams of a family trip back to Ethiopia, where our entire family can bond with his biological siblings, and we are committed to making that dream a reality.
My son is a remarkable, brave, and compassionate individual, and the fact that he wishes to share his story to inspire others fills me with humility. If there’s one takeaway from our journey, it’s this: while adoption can be challenging, the fight is worth every moment.
For more insights into home insemination and related topics, check out this excellent resource from Kindbody.
Summary:
This article recounts the challenging journey of an adoptive family that faced significant obstacles when bringing their son home from Ethiopia, including initial diagnoses of reactive attachment disorder. Despite bleak professional outlooks, the family’s unwavering love and support, alongside a reconnection with the son’s biological family, ultimately led to healing and a sense of belonging for the child. The narrative emphasizes the importance of advocating for one’s child, the complexities of adoption, and the profound connections that can arise from such experiences.