When new parents welcome a baby into their lives, they are often cautioned about the risks of postpartum depression, which impacts approximately 15% of new mothers. Additionally, the phenomenon known as baby blues is highlighted, with estimates indicating that 70-80% of mothers experience some form of negative emotions or mood swings postpartum, according to the American Pregnancy Association. Postpartum anxiety is also gaining recognition, affecting around 10% of mothers. We understand we will feel exhausted and overwhelmed, nodding in agreement as we listen to these warnings.
However, what is seldom discussed is the phenomenon of rage that can accompany parenthood.
Perhaps you felt it early on. Your baby, despite being fed, changed, and cozy, continues to cry relentlessly. As you hold them close, an unfamiliar anger begins to rise within you. In an instant, you comprehend how someone could harm a baby in a moment of frustration. This realization brings forth feelings of fear and shame, knowing your little one never intended to provoke such emotions, and you would never intentionally hurt this cherished child.
Alternatively, you might have navigated the infant stage without encountering this rage, only to find it surfacing during the tumultuous toddler years. When your child throws a tantrum over a trivial toy or generates an irritating noise, something deep within you snaps. That overwhelming anger surges forth, and you may find yourself reacting in ways that mirror the behaviors of your own parents during their moments of loss of control. Then, in a flash, shame washes over you, leaving you feeling small and loathsome for harboring such feelings.
I never considered myself an angry individual—at least, not before becoming a parent. Prior to kids, I seldom raised my voice, aside from reprimanding pets for pilfering my food. Sure, minor annoyances would irritate me, but I didn’t experience the intense rage that emerged once I had children. Suddenly, my son’s persistent pleas for more glow sticks at the store or his refusal to wear the clothes I had chosen for him would send me spiraling into fury over what should be considered normal childhood behavior.
Perhaps you have managed to suppress this rage. My partner, for instance, can endure the slow build-up of frustration, maintaining a calm demeanor even as the storm brews inside him. He speaks with a terse but gentle tone.
On the other hand, you might resonate with my experience, finding yourself yelling without warning, hurtful words escaping your lips. In those moments, you see the shock on your children’s faces, and the shame floods back in. You would fiercely protect them from anyone who spoke to them in that manner, yet here you are, failing to uphold that same commitment. The reality of the situation is jarring.
The guilt associated with this rage is profound. You may feel like the worst parent imaginable, especially if you grew up in an environment where shouting was the norm. If you were like me, you vowed to do better, placing your hands on your pregnant belly and promising that you would never make your child feel the way you did. You never wanted to embody the anger you observed in your parents, yet here you are, grappling with feelings of failure toward both your child and yourself. Even if you apologize to your children, it often feels insufficient.
You might resolve to never raise your voice again, expressing this intent to your children as they regard you with innocent eyes. “I’ll do my best not to yell,” you assure them. As you hug them tightly, you feel an overwhelming urge to collapse against them and weep, knowing that you cannot predict when that anger may resurface. And when it does, you realize you often snap before you even recognize it’s happening.
I long for boundless patience and the soft-spoken nature of an early childhood educator. I wish to resolve conflicts and enforce discipline with kindness. Occasionally, I may succeed for a few days, but then life throws a challenge my way, and I lose my composure. I yearn to not feel ashamed of my emotions. Some individuals manage their rage gracefully, and I aspire to be like them.
The reality is, no one prepares us for that rage or the extraordinary patience we’ll need on this journey. We are continuously learning, and it remains an incredibly challenging endeavor. Nevertheless, I will persist in doing my best, and I trust you will too.
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Summary:
This article delves into the often-ignored aspect of parental rage that can emerge during the journey of parenthood. It highlights the feelings of guilt and shame that accompany this anger, contrasting the expectations of calmness and patience that many parents strive for. The author shares personal experiences and reflections, emphasizing the need for understanding and support in navigating these intense emotions.